LadySAVAGE

An Era of Failures

2010-11-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Some people define themselves based on their successes. Some people define themselves through materialistic ventures. And some people base who they are on their interactions and/or reactions with and from other people. I used to have a habit of defining who I was through a combination all three previously mentioned. I'm not singling out or hating on those people that do though, just to clear things up. But recently I realized that the success that I may encounter, the things that I buy to represent what I stand for, or the people I associate or communicate with don't define who I am. And I don't want others to let these surface actions define who I am in their eyes.

A few years ago, when I graduated from the "I know everything, I know what's best, and I don't need other people to show me different ways on how to do things because my way is the best way" mentality to the "I don't know shit all, why was I so ignorant, please humble me with some knowledge, and I will always be a student of life" mentality- not only did my mentality change but my perception on everything I knew about love, friendship, humility, struggling- (or at least I thought I knew about) changed as well. After graduating high school I was smacked in the face with reality, humility, and struggle. Still even two years after leaving the safe haven of familiarity- I am only a little bit more knowledgeable and only little bit wiser of the realities of life, the hardships, and dealing with the "failures of life". But that's the thing, I think the most important lesson I've learned so far is to always be prepared to fail, don't be scared to fail, and don't be ashamed of admitting to the failures you've encountered.

Personally, what defines me are my failures,but more so the lesson's I've learned from failing. They say your 20's is the age of failures, but in reality you're whole life is an era of failures. The only time a person ever truly fails is when they don't decide to man the fuck up, learn from it, and go on with their life and realize they are much wiser. I don't want to trap myself in this close-minded, suffocating little box of what makes me-me. Yeah sure, I can define myself as a dancer, a bgirl, student, "Lady Savage", or whatever. But I would much rather be a bgirl who got smoked in a battle but the next battle I held my own. Or a student that failed a paper but the next paper got an A+.

I wrote this blog for the few people that read my blog- but mostly for myself as a reminder to keep hustlin. I've been through a lot of failures recently but just recently I realized that these failures and these lessons I've been learning from them are leading me to where I want to be and are leading me to make decisions that are good for me.

NOTE TO SELF : Don't worry if the things you want don't come right away, or if certain goals you've been working on seem like they are unattainable now because you've "failed". You only fail if you let these failures stop you from doing what you only THINK you can't do.

Keep doing what you're doing, sit back after a long day, smoke some ganja, relax, reflect on what you've learned, and use this knowledge to attain all the things you want in life.

Is it possible to have a long lasting relationship without orgasming during sex??

2010-10-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

So, instead of studying for my sociology midterm which is in less than an hour I came across a very interesting article on relationships and sex. Before I delve into the possibility of having a HEALTHIER long term relationship without peaking in sexual intercourse I'm going to have to summarize what the effects of having an orgasm has.

Orgasms are usually the end goal in terms of intercourse. But what a lot of people don't know is that having orgasms during sex can actually deteriorate a relationship. When a person falls in love, or two people fall in love with each other they experience a boost in phenylethylamine, oxytocin, and dopamine levels. When we come into close contact with the one we are "in love with" high amounts of dopamine & oxytocin are produced in our bodies. And when we have an orgasm a sort of "super boost" of dopamine levels occur. After experiencing this super boost of dopamine during orgasm the complete opposite occurs after. Dopamine levels rapidly drop after orgasm. This sudden drop in dopamine can cause behavioral imbalances. A partner may show irritability, dissatisfaction, anxiousness, and even depression during this dopamine level drop time period.
The increased levels of dopamine when we are "falling in love" also explains the infamous "honey moon stage" all couples experience. Couples are strongly bonded by parallel increases of dopamine and oxytocin in their system. This results in a couple wanting to have more sex, simply stating. But this leads to immediate rise and fall of dopamine levels which can cause hasty emotional fluctuations in a relationship. A lot of couples start experiencing decreasing interest in their partners and also sex with their partners. In the article it stated that this disinterest might come about because we "subconsciously begin to associate him or her with the “lows” of the cycle [the orgasm cycle], or perhaps because we grow tired of being used as a fix, and therefore feel less attraction".
In contrast to dopamine, there is oxytocin also known as the "cuddle hormone". This hormone counteracts the "emotional roller coaster effects of dopamine" and also leads to strong pair bonding. So the solution to the onset of emotional and behavioral imbalances by dopamine levels is...

Loving sex without orgasm?

Yeah, I know a pretty crazy suggestion. But these facts are empirically tested and proven.

We fall in love with each other through a high amount of oxytocin accompanied by burst of dopamine being released in our system during interaction and sexual encounters. But eventually, oxytocin levels fade and we begin to "fall out of love" and also have difficulty maintaining an exciting and healthy sex life. This is because instead of enjoying the dopamine "peaks" we start experiencing the "lows" after "routine sexual encounters". The dopamine lows start to effect an individual as they begin to see all the faults in their partner previously covered up by high oxytocin levels. This in turn can cause couples to loose interest in sex and withdraw emotionally.

So can couples engage in sexual activity without orgasm and find it satisfying?

I don't know, and the answer to this question has yet to be answered scientifically or sociologically. There are techniques such as "Karezza" or "White Tantra". But you guys will have to look those up on your own! Hope this post bestowed some knowledge to my few readers and encourage some people out there to "experiment" ;) .

Old homies makin' me reminisce...

2010-10-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

Just came home from Robson Square and I bumped into my homies Matt & Earl. Haven't seen these dudes in hella. They were part of my very first bboy crew, Style Force!! Seeing them made me reflect on when I first started to get into bgirling. I miss the old crew, I miss battling, and I miss being inspired by the scene. I look at old pictures now and only a couple years later...so much has changed. We aren't the starry eyed LG's & LB's anymore that thought we had the whole world figured out. Breakin' everyday, beefin' with other crews, and going to battles to represent OUR generation - damn those were good times. I've been closet practicing for a while and haven't battled in hella long but I'm hungry and ready to get back into it. Times have changed, I've changed, and my homies have changed but the one thing that hasn't changed in all of us is our passion to dance, to represent, to express ourselves....I think that's hella cool and also really comforting. To know that no matter what age we all know that we ain't never gonna stop dancing. I'm excited to see the way things end up 10 years from now...all of us 30 something, jobs, married maybe, maybe even kids but still throwin' down in a cypher. THAT'S WASSUP.

Style Force's very first battle as a crew.

Made it past prelims, holla!

Earl & I at the 1st Fight Before Christmas Jam

I was only 15 here!! And earl 16/17

Kyle & I at Fight Before Christmas

Matt & I @ Fight Before Christmas

I think we were 16/17 here

The most recent picture of us about 2 years ago. Missing Ken & Kyle.

I miss you guys and hope to see & cypher with y'all soon!

THANK YOU KARMALOOP

2010-10-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

Sooo, there was a contest on twitter a couple days ago 3 $tack$ was up for grabs and 3 runner ups would get 3bills in the form of a code to use on their website. For those of you that follow me on twitter now that I flooded the timeline like a money hungry (or better yet gear hungry) mofo.

And these were only 1/100th of my tweets haha. But thank you to Karmaloop for helping a struggling student/dancer out with fresh new gear. And this is all the free shit I got for my bestfriend, my girl, and myself. SHARE THE WEALTH!

10Deep tee, Tight Jean Cheap Mondays

Harajuku lovers tee and make-up bag for my bestfriend Alexis(hopefully she's not reading this-it's for her birthday haha)

Obey sweater and grey skinnies

Peek-a-boo top with a variety of hello kitty undies hehehe.

And TITS / OBEY tee for my girl<3

I can't wait till I can rock all me new clothes!!!

I LOVE KARMALOOP!

"you can never reminisce when you forget it all careful what you wish for, you might just get it all"

2010-10-05T14:06:00.000-07:00

September is over. Right now, for me at least, it's the "lull" before my crazy schedule becomes even crazier. Assignments are slowly piling up (and me updating my blog instead of doing my homework isn't helping - ha), but I'm applying for a PR internship so I gotta step up my social media game.

Aside from that, I'm just trying to stay on my grind as of late. Keep up with school, chase that $$, and train like a motherf*cker. I'm about to start hitting up robson square again before it gets cold!!! If anyone wants to practice- holla!

"Imma do it all..."

Keep Hu$tlin.

HU$TLE

2010-10-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yay, for my new layout. I'm applying for an online communications internship for PLUS FOCUS FILM SCHOOL and I gotta show em' my HTML tech savy-ness. Anyways, Super busy! About to update the rest of my blogs and renew my twitter layout then finish my homework before the weekend so I can take as many classes at harbour.

STAY ON YOUR GRIND

HUSTLE.

Let the real recognize real.

2010-09-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

And just like that, summer's past. I know most of y'all Vancouverites wait for summer all year round. That first week of summer has always been the dopest- for me at least. Then you seem to forget about time all together until the next time you look at the calendar it's the last weekend of summer without even realizing. Or you get an email telling you the time slots you can register for courses for the upcoming fall semester. Personally, the realization that summer is over for me is when I start reflecting on the past two months. The good shit- the memories of the parties, drunken nights with some of the closest people to me, nights out and out of town trips with my girl, driving with the windows down bumpin' the latest Drake CD, climbing things I wasn't supposed to me climbing (haha), and staying up all night with "kush rolled [and my] glass full". Then all the shit I wish I didn't have to see, know, or come to terms with- family drama, finding out who I can really trust, realizing some people are shady as hell, shit talking, lying, secrets, drama. I don't know what it is about summer, maybe the carefree vibe of 32 degree weather make some people careless of what comes out of their mouths. Maybe it makes these people care LESS about the people they can potentially hurt- a lot. Or maybe, some people are just like that to begin with and I was just too blind to really see past the bullshit, fake ass sincerity that is there just for show.

I went MIA from a lot of people these past two months, and no it wasn't because of my girl. I'm tired of hearing so and so is saying this and so and so is saying that. Damn, why do people care about my personal life so much. I used to feel guilty that I took a break from everything, but all this time spent separate from my regular has opened my eyes. That time period of just stepping back and examining what I really wanted to do with myself and my life has really opened my eyes.

I'm tired of always trying to live up to everyone's expectations. I'm tired of trying to be what others' think I need to be. It's really nice to feel free of that guilt and just take a well deserved break. I now know what I want, what I need to do for myself, and I know what my OWN expectations are. I've always trapped myself in box of what other people expected out of me. I didn't realize that it was the only thing stopping me from achieving the things I can really achieve. If that makes sense-I don't want to box myself in anymore...

Now with school and a new season just around the corner, I'm ready to just do me. I'm not dancing with any groups this season. I've decided that I need time to do my own thing with the whole dance situation. It's time to hustle and stay on MY grind- not on anyone else's.

With everything that's happened during the summer I am proud to say that I know who the realest of my friends are- the ones that are down for me and won't front with this fake shit. I'm also really proud to say that I finally know what I want. I want it not because everyone else might want it- I want it because I feel like I'm meant to have it. That shit is mine and I'm not going to stop until I get it.

So a FUCK YOU goes out to everyone that's been doubting me.

and a FUCK Y'ALL to all that still doubt me.

and FUCK everyone that's ever put me down and played me a fool thinking you could get away with it.

People are gonna ask "What am I doin? What am I doin?", you wanna know what I'm doin?

From the sensible and logical words of drake

"I'm doin me, I'm living my life right now man. And this is what Ima do till it's over, till it's over- but it's far from over."

Labels, Feminist, and Lesbianism

2010-06-26T22:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know what exactly inspired me to write this blog...maybe it was the recent article about feminism in the metro a couple days ago, or the fact that my newly acquired status of being legal has led me to meet quite a few ignorant men and some of their douchbagaryness (for lack of a better fitting word).
I, personally really dislike labels. I have a strong opinion when it comes to equal rights and the female movement, but I hate it when people call me a feminist. I feel as if I am put into this little box, unable to be identified other than this or that ; dancer, feminist, lesbian..etc.
I also really dislike when people label me as lesbian or bisexual. Yes, I am attracted to women and yes, I am also attracted to men. I hate explaining myself to people when they ask my sexual preference only because I DON'T HAVE ONE. If you don't know me by now, I have a PERSONALITY PREFERENCE. If your cool and we can chill, vibe together, laugh together, and if someone can show me a good time and be comfortable in their own skin- you definitely have some brownie points with me. It doesn't matter if you are a girl, a guy, a girlguy- WHATEVER. I am attracted to the person he, she, or heshe might be. This is the way I am wired and if people don't like it or are uncomfortable with it- I understand that everyone is different. Oh and if I ever hear the words "I'm going to turn you straight" or "Are you a lesbian now?" I will seriously try and shoot your privates. Just kidding. But seriously, the minute we all stop labeling ourselves and other people; we can all start to see other people in so many different ways. Personally, realizing this has helped me grow as a person and not be so judgmental all the fucking time. We are all unique beings and creating these labels for one another and also ourselves is putting a damper on self-expression and freedom. We aren't just static, 2 dimensional characters. We're forever changing, re-creating, and re-molding who we are and labels just put all the effort we invest in ourselves to waste.
So just to clear things up, I'm not just a dancer, I'm not a lesbian or bisexual, and I'm not a feminist. I am me.

Word.

Never

2010-05-26T19:13:00.000-07:00

I've never felt this empty before.
Don't you hate the feeling where you just want to crawl
into a little hole and die?

Center Stage.

2010-05-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

Everyday rehearsals, sacrifices, fighting with other crew members, hand injuries, knee injuries, ankle injuries, blood, sweat, tears...it all came down to that 1 minute and 59 seconds. That's all we had to prove to everyone that our crew deserved it, that we could rep Canada better than anyone else one, and to make Yoshi proud.

In the end a whole 5.5 points separated us from first place. I know after Friday night some of you may think that all that we did was for nothing. But we can't just dwell on the lost opportunity. We beat out everyone in Vancouver, that is something I'm so proud to have accomplished with you guys. We all know it, but I'm going to say it anyways. No crew in Vancouver is like us. No one can match footwork like us, no one can do the tricks we execute, and no one pull off any of our past routines up until now. We've accomplished all of this and some of us have yet to even graduate high school.

I don't know what the future holds for this crew but for me it would be a shame to quit after being SO CLOSE to what we all want the most. But no matter what, Elktrik you're my number 1 crew. Always have and will always be, I love you guys.

I also want to thank our Mentor / Instructor / Choreographer Yoshi Hisanaga. We wouldn't be
Elktrik without you. You didn't just teach us breaking moves or how to dance. You taught us the real meaning of hip hop and taught us what it means to BE a dancer. You're hard work ethic, dedication, and drive inspired us all. No matter how much we tease and make fun of you- we all really respect you and hope to be as dedicated and hard working. We just don't show it. Most of all we love you Yoshi. To us you're more than a mentor, instructor, or choreographer- you're family. Thank you for being so patient with us and honing our skills and abilities to what they are now.

Elktrik, we destroyed that stage and everyone who danced on it.
Be proud.

The magic number 3

2010-05-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

3 Months. It's been a fucking amazing 3 months. Amazing and crazy too, but I wouldn't have it any other way. After the 1st month I doubted we would even make it to the next, it's crazy how my perspective changed so fast. I believe in you and me, I believe in us, and I believe in our love B.

Thanks for being you. Thanks for being amazing.

I love you...don't forget.

She's mine.

2010-05-14T09:50:00.000-07:00

I want to be with someone who isn't ashamed to be with me.
I want to be with someone who isn't afraid to be with me.
I want to be able to walk down the street feeling like you want to show me off to the world.

I don't want to feel like we're hiding something.
I don't want to feel like you don't want anyone to know.
I don't want to have to let go of your hand every time we see someone you know.
And I definitely don't want to feel like you're ashamed to be with me.

Because honestly, whenever someone takes an interest as to who I'm with...I smile and proudly say "That's her, and I'm really happy she's mine."

Am I asking for too much?

Miss you...

2010-05-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

Another one of those days where you come home from work and a 5 hour rehearsal right after. So damn exhausted and already sore but still manage to work on an anniversary gift you have been working on for the past month. Your lover is out late at the bar, but you still wait for her to come home like you always do. Doesn't matter how late or how tired you are- you just can't seem to sleep until you've had your talk at the end of the night. So you wait by the phone for a text or call. When she finally does call you can tell she's been smoking and is about to green out. So you just do what a good girlfriend does. Tell her to go to bed because you can tell she just wants to sleep. And then that leaves you. Tired but so awake wishing that you could just talk to someone about your day.

Ahh, I wish I didn't miss you so much B.

Hospital windows & City lights

2010-05-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those nights where you just forget what it feels like to just...feel? Where you find out such horrible news like your cousin being diagnosed with cancer. Where you kinda have this weird hunch that you're going to get your heart broken. And when you can just sense that everything from this point on is just going to be so emotionally intensified, draining, and difficult but you just feel numb.

You don't know what to think.
How to act.
What to say.
How to cope.
You can't eat.
You can't sleep.
You can't even cry
and sometimes it feels like you forget how to breathe.

So you just sit in this place, the last place you'd expect to be on a Saturday night looking out this huge hospital window. Not exactly the greatest view with two tall buildings blocking the view of the city. But in between these two buildings you can catch a glimpse of the water and the city lights.
You feel so distant from your lover but can't muster up the courage to say that you don't think you can handle all of this. Then all of a sudden these tears come out of nowhere and start to streak your face. You've done so much thinking that you can't even think anymore and just sit there and cry. The first time you've cried all weekend...
You haven't slept in days, you look a wreck, and so damn exhausted but can't sleep even if you tried. So you just stare out the window and into the distance thinking of nothing at all, feeling nothing at all. Even when you've managed to get a few tears out you still feel numb. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or lack of food. But whatever it is, all you can do is hope it passes. But in the mean time the only thing you do is look out a hospital window and gaze at the city lights..

Stay Hungry, Stay Humble.

2010-05-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

I thought when we all agreed to do worlds we decided on 100% commitment. I'm not sure what 100% commitment means to everyone else but to me it means practicing as much as we can AS A CREW before prelims, working hard during practices even when yoshi isn't there, and coming together as crew because we truly are HUNGRY to make it. I guess some people just don't understand the concept of working hard because they get everything handed to them. All of us have other commitments and we are sacrificing so much just so we can have that 2minute window of opportunity to show that we deserve to go. But when a crew member misses practice to catch up on homework? I'm sorry but that's complete bullshit. Yeah, you could say it's just a practice without Yoshi, but I STILL WENT to a rehearsal without Yoshi even when I had a FINAL THE NEXT DAY. I had to pull an all nighter AND there was practice again the next day after I had WORK. Speaking of work I'm taking hours off work just to make it to practice. You probably don't understand the fact that I pretty much have to pay for everything on my own but that's probably why you don't understand the meaning of working hard.
You say you are hungry, you say you want it so bad, but in reality your actions don't reflect what is coming out of your mouth. You said you had to balance gr.12 with dance...it's not that hard. Hannah and Shannon are doing it AND they have jobs. I don't see why Matt J and Patrick aren't having problems but you are. I know you're parents want you to keep up a certain GPA, but in highschool I had to get Straight A's otherwise I couldn't dance, on top of that I had a job and three other crews. WE ARE ALL WANTING THIS SO BADLY and it just sucks when one person says they want it but doesn't show it. It kinda drags the groups morale down. You are so damn talented and if you just worked harder, you would have it made. But I guess you need to learn that for yourself. We're not going to make you come to practice or make it akward when you do. But just know that everyone in the crew is counting on you to be there and be committed just like everyone else. Because it's just not fair for a person to just show up when it's convenient while the rest of us are sacrifice so much.

We can't win if we're not on the same page. We are a crew, our moves, energy level, and confidence have to match just as much as our commitment, goals, and desire to win as well.

Strength

2010-04-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

It's times like these, where I feel like giving up on everything, that I just lift up my shirt at look at my tatty. I've experienced a lot of pain, hardships, and failures in the past but because of everything I've been through I can say with confidence that I am a strong person. I've pushed my way through difficult situations, hit rock bottom only to climb back up to the top, and I can do it all again.

Just gotta have strength..

They say your attitude determines your latitude.

2010-04-28T11:14:00.001-07:00

Life's been pretty hectic lately. Finals at the end of this week, dance competitions left, right, & center, worlds prelims in less than a month, and on top of that work and a relationship. I feel like I have a million responsibilities all competing for my attention. You could say I'm stressed out- stressed out would be an understatement. I'm surprised I haven't had a mental breakdown yet. I'm sure all of this is unhealthy but I have no choice but to push through it all.

I have to study.
I have to practice & improve.
I have to work.
I have to be 100% committed to worlds and my crew.
I have to be there for her, I want to be there for her.

I've always been the type of person to be unsatisfied with something gained unless I've worked for it and feel like I DESERVE it. Personally, that feeling of accomplishment at the end of everything is what keeps me going. Seeing those A's, seeing myself improve, seeing that pay cheque at the end of every two weeks, winning prelims with my crew, and coming home to her after everything. It's the best feeling in the world seeing your hard work pay off and knowing that you deserve everything you've worked for. I can't wait....

Now to end this blog with lyrics from one of my favorite Drake songs. Drake's always been an inspiration to me and his songs are always on point. He went from nothing to what he is now without a record label, that's inspiration right there.

"Hardly home but always reppin', you hardly own it always second,
when im awake u always restin, and when they call you the
answer you will hardly question,
I, Im doin classic shit in all my sessions,
other nigga's situations they are all depressin,
that's why I never follow yall suggestion's, i just always did my own thing,
now I run the game you stupid muthasuckas
I see all these money through my ohio state buck eyes,
shit been goin good, but good can turn to better,
cuz you the type to lose her, and imma bout to get her."

Word.

Nothing Special...except-

2010-04-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

I'm the type of girl who has a hectic schedule.
The type of girl that doesn't like wasting time.
The type of girl that won't stop for anything or anyone.
The type of girl with certain goals.
The type of girl with deadlines.
The type of girl with big dreams.
Nothing out of the ordinary...

I'm the type of girl who likes to be independent.
The type of girl who can take care of herself.
The type of girl that can pay her own bills.
The type of girl who doesn't like receiving help from others.
The type of girl that never wants to depend on anybody or anything.
The type of girl that is more than okay with being alone.
Until you came along.

Now I'm the type of girl that writes love letters.
The type of girl that listens to songs about being in love.
The type of girl that watches romance movies.
The type of girl that writes poems and puts them in a kinder surprise.
The type of girl that would skip anything just to see you.
The type of girl that just doesn't give a damn about what anyone thinks anymore.
Anyone can tell from reading this that I'm nothing special...
except when I'm with you.

I'm the type of girl that feels like the most beautiful girl in the world.
The type of girl that feels high on life.
The type of girl that feels perfect just the way she is.
The type of girl that feels she can depend on you.
The type of girl that feels she can accomplish anything.
The type of girl that is a better person.
The type of girl that feels so in love.
The type of girl that is all these things because of being with you.

But more than anything else on this list I feel damn special because,
I'm your type of girl.
And also the luckiest girl in the world.

Lucky

2010-04-18T22:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days, weeks, or even months where you just feel so lost? You wonder if what you are doing is what you really want or is it just the fact that it's convenient the real reason you do whatever you do. You lie awake thinking at night wondering "What am I doing with my life?". Then when you finally reassure yourself that you can accomplish all this things you've set out to do, work hard to reach your full potential, and just be the best you can be - things just come crashing down. The things that you work so hard for, you lose. You feel like you've gotten worse instead of improving yourself. And the worst thing of all- is when you're best just isn't good enough. On top of that there's drama with your crew, your friends, your family, and worse of all you feel like you've let someone you really love and care about down. You want to be there to support them but they just end up shutting you out. But for some reason, the moment you hit rock bottom is when you start to realize all good that you've got.
Those questions about "what am I doing with my life?" You realize that you should be thankful for being alive. The goals you want to achieve, you feel lucky to have the opportunity to even reach for them. And even if your best wasn't good enough, you still have other opportunities to receive recognition for doing the best you can do.
Yeah, there is drama with your crew, your friends, and your family- but you feel lucky to even have an amazing group of people who care about you and support you. The crew that always has your back even when you lose, the friends that are always down for you even when you are being a pain in the ass, and the family that raised you and love you even if at times they don't understand you.
Then the person that you feel you have let down because they just won't let you in...you realize how damn lucky you are that they are in your life and chose to be with you. Of course, there are going to be things both of you have to overcome but at the end of the day there is someone that returns the love you have for them. You have someone that is in love with you just as much as you are in love with them and that is something very hard to come across.
It's a shame that it's only when you hit rock bottom that you realize these things. It's only when you've hit rock bottom that you can climb to the top again. This weekend made me realize how lucky I am to have all these things.

"Life shouldn't revolve around all the things you don't have, life's about what you've been through, and what you've got."

The LITTTLE Things...

2010-04-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

After a rough night of studying, stressing out at school, and a really rough day at work; all I want to do is go home and just hear her voice at the end of the night. But when she doesn't end up calling like she said she would, my night just turned from bad to just plain shitty.
And I do hate feeling this way, like everyone else. You can't help but feel a little high maintenance or a little too clingy, and that is the last thing I want to be. But no matter what- it still hurts, a lot.
A simple following through of words isn't too much to ask is it? I know all the women out there feel me. You know if your significant other didn't call when they said they would, you'd be lying if you said it didn't irk you even just a little bit.
It's the little things. The phone calls just to say good night / good morning or just to even say hi, the kisses on the forehead, holding hands, secret smiles, the text msg's, or just hearing "you're fucking beautiful" are the things that matter more than the fancy dinners and expensive gifts. It's the little things that matter most & hurt the most...

"Every woman wants someone that can show her she's worth everything she deserves without all the material things - that shit's just the icing on the cake."

ELKTRIK 2010

2010-03-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

So, Elktrik competed at Dance Power last night. Placed 1st with high gold and is currently #1 the top 7 for the finals on Wednesday. I forget how good it feels to be with my crew on and off stage. Elktrik; 2010 is our year!!!

Jump

2010-03-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted. I've been busy, as usual. Actually busier than usual because of a certain someone...I forget what it's like.

The late night phone calls, late night outs, with an insane schedule, plus stress, stress, and more stress. But for some odd reason you take the risk. The risk of all this stress, the tiredness, and the pain being worth it in the end or not. You follow this hope (even if you think it's pointless, stupid, or crazy) that the good will outweigh the bad. That the the fighting, the tears, the sharp words, the hurt, the jealousy, and the mind games will eventually die down, dry up, not cut as deep as much as before, or hurt as much as before. That the insecurities will weaken and that trust will grow stronger, and that when games are no longer played you hope to just be content, happy, and know for sure that everything was and still is worth it.
You imagine what it would feel like or be like finally reaching that moment of clarity. Where you can just look back and say "damn, we've been through so much and here we are now- Still going strong". Just for this reason alone, you take a blind leap. For the first time in your life you can't predict what will happen in the future. It scares the shit out of you but at the same time gives you this sort of paradoxical feeling of comfort and excitement all at once.
You've always thought that everyone around you and the situations you've surrounded yourself in were so predictable. In fact, so predictable that before you went out for the night you could imagine how the night would turn out and surprise, surprise the night would unravel in this sequential, tedious, and boring routine. Then you realize why that feeling you get of not knowing is so addicting. You've naturalized certain concepts of living life that truly don't blend well with your ideals. And that's exactly what that person is, "ideal". You don't know what it is about this person but if they wanted to jump off a cliff you would probably join in, no questions asked, without even thinking of the risks, consequences, and danger that come along with jumping off thus cliff. So there you are, on the edge, all these questions and doubts floating around in your mind, your heart beating 100000 beats per millisecond, and you are scared shitless of falling too deep, or ending up broken. But all it takes is this look and a small smirk from that person for you to let go of your fear and just...jump.

REMINDER

2010-02-22T22:23:00.001-08:00

Coming back from Seattle just reminded me that I need to get back on my grind. The dancers there are fucking amazing and so inspiring. From the work ethic, attitude, and skill; it's all really a wake-up call. Sickstylz performed at Kolanie's show Unrated and I'm really glad I was given the opportunity to do so. Thank you Sickstylz, even if we had little disagreements here and there and had very stressful moments; at the end of the day I love you guys. I am really happy that I get to dance with other dancers who are determined and still hungry & humble.
The workshops were AMAZING. DAVID MOORE's class and NICK WILSON's class were by far the best classes I have EVER taken. I'm so glad I got to finally take class after watching their videos on youtube religiously.

I'm glad to be home and I'm really happy I got to see her so soon.
Thanks for coming to see me even if you didn't have your car and some really wack shit went down the night before. It made my day and my lack of sleep was totally worth everything.

Time

2010-02-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

My schedule is pretty fucking crazy. All the rehearsals, shows, school, work, and not to mention my social life (which is almost non-existent)....

I make time for you.

I guess you could say you're pretty special. =P

Hungry

2010-01-31T09:44:00.000-08:00

I'm still driven & hungry for everything I've been working for. Sometimes the little things in life make you appreciate all the big things you've accomplished. I've realize I've been taking a lot of things for granted which in turn leads to half-assing shit that needs to be done full out.

Time to work.
Live&Learn

P.S. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Thank you.
You know who you are. <3

Truth Hurts

2010-01-28T21:16:00.001-08:00

I know you aren't the type of person to come out and just say things straight up - but I am. It's weird how I didn't do that with you though. I didn't ask questions, I didn't say what was on my mind, I didn't do anything that would interrupt our "go with the flow" kind of deal. And yes, I know, it's surprising. For all of you who know me, know me as the kind of person that would just say whats on my mind and ask questions if I really wanted to know the answer no matter how much discomfort it would bring me or other parties involved. I'm the type of person that would just say things straight up or just "tell it like it is".

With you though, it was different. It scared me- and still does. Only one other person has had that effect on me before and for you to have this weird control over me scares the shit out of me. I never asked that one question that was always at the back of my head. I never questioned your actions. I never told you how I felt- but I should have.

After that one night I crashed at your place I should have asked
"What was that?"
"We aren't even that close of friends- why would you do that for me?"
"You know, I kinda like you..."

I know you had other shit going on and just didn't want to acknowledge anything that was going on, but I still should have anyways. Of course the answers to my questions could have been
"It was nothing."
"I do it for all my friends"
"I'm sorry - I don't feel the same way."
But at least I would have answers instead of asking myself all these "what if's?"
I hate that I didn't confirm where you stood when I had the chance.

Instead I went to Vegas and decided to just forget all about you. I didn't want to deal with never knowing where you stood when I clearly had these feelings for you. I knew I would just get hurt in the end and that's the real reason I went MIA and stopped all contact with you- not because I was choked about finding out about my adoption or because when I came back from Vegas "I thought everyone in Vancouver was wack".

Then 6months later, it all started out with a simple text. That eventually led to chilling like we used to, which of course led to the resurfacing of certain feelings I thought were long gone.

If you're reading this you might be asking, "why is she writing about this shit now?" It might seem odd that I took the time to write this lengthy blog about you but I never got the chance to tell you straight up that..

"Hey, I really like you."

Better late than never right? With all the shit that went down during the past couple of days and with certain people not allowing me to chill with you anymore- I had to get this off my chest.
Because I'm the type of person who tells the truth; even if it hurts.

Live&Learn

BOORRRINNGGGG

2010-01-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

I never realized how over dramatic some people can be. You're so predictable- it's really quite boring.

You're cut.

Sacrifices

2010-01-26T12:01:00.001-08:00

All these sacrifices better be worth it in the end...

SOPHISTICATED FUNK

2010-01-18T19:56:00.000-08:00

For those of you who missed For The Luv of It last night- Here's Sophistifunk's practice footage!

P.S. YOU MISSED A DAMN GOOD SHOW

Sacrifices

2010-01-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

So, last weekend was officially my last party weekend for...well for a while. It sucks but I'm going to have to miss a party tonight to go home do homework and just organize my shit. It's crunch time and I'm more than ready to sacrifice having fun in order to "book". I'm excited for all day rehearsals and upcoming shows.

Sophistifunk and Sickstylz are performing this Sunday at For the Luv of It : Inspiration. So, COME OUT & support Vancouver's local talent!!

I apologize to my non-dance friends- I probably won't see you for a while. I'll try my best to work around my crazy schedule and come see you guys but if I don't please understand.

Push It

2010-01-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling you get when you are just about to finish a long and tiring routine. You are on the last song- they hypest song of the routine and the one that takes the most energy. You feel your stamina quickly decreasing and your body is about to just give out. It's ironic that when you feel the most exhausted, this is the moment where you have to push yourself the hardest. For me, in this moment, suddenly I don't hear the crowd or the music. I just hear the beat of my heart and my heavy breathing. It's the moment where you can chose to either go harder or half-ass it till the end because you are "tired".
I admit that I've half-assed it a few times, but the end it just felt so unsatisfying. It just feels so damn good to know that in your weakest moment; you pulled through. Not only did you make it to the end of the routine, you fucking killed the last section and went out with a bang. I think second from the feeling you get from being onstage, this feeling is the most rewarding feeling in the world.

I'm really glad that I found dance, otherwise how would I know to apply this in real life? I've been through a lot (who hasn't) but if not for dance, I don't know how I would have made it through all the struggles I've experienced. I would have never had the drive to just push through my weakest moments and come out even stronger. It's only been the 3rd day of the semester and I can tell that it's not going to be easy. I've looked over all my course outlines and fuck am I in for a stressful semester. Juggling school, work, 3 dance groups, homework, my family, and my friends all seems impossible at the moment but I know that I can do it. All I need to remember is to just "push it".

Back to the Hustle

2010-01-04T09:59:00.000-08:00

First day of classes, it's a love-hate thing. Waking up at 6:30am on Monday's should not be allowed. But I actually do like going to school as much as I complain, especially the first day of classes of the new semester. New classes & new people.
But the thing I love most about the 1st day of classes back from semester break is how everyone in class is either hung over, sleeping, or really just does not want to be there. It makes me feel a little better that these people whom I don't even know share my pain of having to work again. ahahha.

As usual, class ends early because there is really nothing to do on the first day except explain the course outline. I hate how you don't do anything but you kinda need to be there. I'm chillin' in the library before my Anthropology class at 11:30, and I can feel the lack of sleep kicking in right about.....now.

I've only been to my first class and I'm already missing winter break. I'm already counting down the days before the olympic break.

Monday
School : 8:30 - 2:20
Dance : 5 - 10

Tuesday
School : 8:30 - 11:20
Work : 2-6

Wednesday
School : 8:30 - 11:20
Work : 2-6
Dance : 7:30 - 8:30

Thursday
School : 8:30 - 11:20
Work : 2-6
Dance : 9 - 11

Friday
SLEEP IN!!!!
Work : 2-6
Dance : 7:30 - 10 : 30 (12 if I session after)

Saturday
My only day off

Sunday
Dance : 1-4 & 7-9

As hectic as it sounds, I know I can manage with good grades and improving in dance to boot! I'll just have to sacrifice my social life for a little while, which I know will be worth it. 2010, here I come =)

2010

2010-01-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it's officially 2010! I don't have any New Years resolutions this year. I find it kind off silly that just because of the numerical change from 2009 to 2010 people come up with these outrageous resolutions that they don't follow through on. "I wanna lose 10 pounds, I wanna gain 10 pounds, I want to get better grades, I want to be a better person etc..." If a person really wanted to do things they wouldn't use the new year as an excuse to start doing all these so called "resolutions". Why wait? It's all in the now. You know what they say, tomorrow never comes. I'm just going to keep doing my thing. Live life, work hard, have fun, learn from my mistakes, accept life with all the bullshit and drama that comes along with it, and keep chasing my dreams like everyone else, you know?

I go back to school on Monday, and this break has been amazing. I'm happy to say that I took advantage of these past 3 weeks of no school. So, I leave to the few that read my blog the best moments of winter break via a galore of visual imagery goodness.

Performing With Sickstylz (1st performance of the season!)

Me and some of the Fabulous Sickstylz ladies

Due's Birthday party w/ 12th ave love.

The drunk picture of the night

"George Bush doesn't care about black people"

Re-uniting with Celine and the rest of flowethics @ their Christmas party!

Me & Vietnam after Mighty4

Christmas & TFC, they go hand in hand

my mom opening her Christmas gift from me.

Dad lookin' sharp in the Leather jacket I got him

12th ave. love gift exchange

Christmas Evening

Pretty much sums up Nicolette's party bus. hahaha ;)

Starting off the New Years w/ a fun night @ Arthurs

Candid Pictures are always the best

These last two pictures, I'm putting up as a treat for you guys. You're Welcome ;)
HAHAHA.

Ready

2009-12-31T01:10:00.000-08:00

"Ready to rock 2010
like I rock my fresh air jordan 10's."

Top 10 Best & Worst Moments of 2009

2009-12-23T00:37:00.000-08:00

Worst Moments of 09'
10. Starting 09' & already having drama with the ex.
9. Elktrik's wack performance at Next Level & disappointing Yoshi
8. Dominic's Euro Party + homewrecking + rumors next day
7. Failing my N test
6. The whole "B.Y" situation in the middle of summer
5. The situation with "A.L" through out all of gr.12 & the incident in Ms. Brook's office
4. That situation in whistler & psycho bitch involving me in unnecessary bullshit
3. My slump in b-girling.
2. Elktrik losing pre-lims to illest vibe
1. Finding out about my adoption the day I left for Vegas.

Best Moments of 09'
10. Party with the Australians after STM's Chancellor B-Ball tourney
9. Spring Break
8. Finding the perfect Grad dress
7. Whistler Grad weekend.
6. Performing for the 1st time w/ sickstylz
5. Chancellor Tournament & skipping school w/ Stacy & Alexis to watch
hotties play ball.
4. Winning the coastal dance Rage freestyle competition
3. Christmas w/ 12th ave love
2. Grad dinner & dance
1. 8 days in vegas of just pure AMAZINGNESS.
Hands down the best week of my life.

A Weekend of High's & Lows

2009-12-21T22:54:00.000-08:00

For the first time ever, I choked in a battle. UGH. It's not exactly the best feeling in the world. Yeah choked @ the hip hop battle for Mighty4. W-A-C-K X 23. Pretty disappointed in myself not going to lie. I left the battle early to go to Due's birthday house party. As always, Due always throws good parties. Hella food, hella people, and hella drinks. Thanks Due! Hope you had a good birthday.

Now time to plan Nicolette's party bus, yay for another gong show. THEN Arthur's house party. Hopefully my liver can survive.

Holiday Cheer

2009-12-18T01:26:00.000-08:00

So, Christmas is next week and this break is probably one of the best I've ever had. My Christmas shopping is done, all my presents are wrapped, I'm done school, AND I'm off work for a week. All I've been doing since the end of my semester (which was at the beginning of the month) is training and partying!
Mighty 4 workshops tomorrow then I might hit up the FlowEthics Christmas party. Then battling at Mighty 4 on Saturday in the hip hop and bboy. I'm kinda nervous for the hip hop battle though. I've never been in a hip hop battle before. Then after then jam it's Due's house party. Holla!
On a side note, I think it's pretty wack how a lot of bboys are boycotting Mighty 4 just because it's $25. But really, it goes down to $15 if you are battling. But whatever FUCK THAT, I'm just hella hungry to battle.

Life is Good.

Me. Myself, & I : Part II

2009-11-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

You know what I think? FUCK everyone who hates on me because I don't meet their expectations. Yeah, I do admit...I MISS BEING A BGIRL and I MISS BATTLING and I MISS MY HOMIES IN THE SCENE. But seriously, where's the love and support when I pursue other things except b-girling? First and foremost - I'm a dancer. I love all forms of it and I don't like to limit myself to one style. Just because I take a break from bgirling to improve myself in other styles of dance and people think I'm selling out? That shit is just plain wack.

I'm in school, three dance groups, and work. I guess some people just don't know or understand that sometimes I can't immerse myself in the art of bboying like I used to. You guys don't think I miss being able to do that?

So whenever I don't show up to practice or battle- I'm not selling out. Whenever I hear you guys are battling I at least TRY to come and support you guys. But not once have you guys come to my shows or even asked me about anything that has to do with dance except for b-boying. I don't even think you guys have seen me dance other than in battle- that hurts.

Thanks a lot for the support guys.

I guess it was ignorant of me to think that my homies supported me in EVERYTHING I did.

Lost

2009-11-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

I gotta start doing things for me again & start doing things the right way with the right reasons. If everyone else around me is happy, I will be happy- right? NOPE.

Gotta learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.
It's all about me from now on, and I'm not going to feel guilty about it.

Sunshine

2009-10-29T23:09:00.001-07:00

I need to move to a city where it's sunny all year round....

Anyways, midterms are finally over and I SURVIVED (too many all nighters + black coffee & coke drinks later). But I know this time of "non-stressfulness" won't last for long. A few more weeks and it's finals.

So time to party it up on Halloween because that will probably be the last time I will get to till finals are over. If any of you HalloWEENERS (hehe) are free before you're crazy parties at night come to BC PLACE! S'funk is doing a collab with FRESH KIDS for a special show in front of BC Place. After that it's straight to Katty's for some good old drunken fun!

For the few that keep up with my blogs - SORRY! No deep or meaningful make you cry post today! Maybe next time...I suppose.

Complete Honesty

2009-10-13T23:31:00.001-07:00

“Seems like the more you grow the more time you spend alone. Before you know it you end up perfectly on your own.”

Why is that as things get tougher, you are slowly left alone. Growing up means more freedom but more responsibility. It's ironic how you got help for the simplest things when you were young; tying your shoes, putting on your shirt, grabbing the cookie jar at the top of the shelf. But when you're finally at that stage in your life when you're discovering who you are, facing hardships, dealing with reality – you're on your own.
No one is there to help you, to give you a helping hand – to tell you that everything will be okay in the end. You feel so alone. You used to be sure that you could handle this thing called growing up. But then all of a sudden you're in your room, alone, so scared that you will just fail at everything. You've set up these goals, you have these big dreams. You knew it wasn't going to be easy but you also didn't know that it was going to be this hard.
Those goals you once had, those dreams you once revelled in seem so far away and unachievable. You start doubting yourself and all your choices. “Did I choose the right road? Is this what I really want? Did I think hard enough of what I really want to do with my life?” You used to feel so tall and ready to conquer. But now you feel so miniscule and unimportant. You are one of billions of people striving- competing for the same thing in life. As much as you tell yourself you can do this. That this is just a rut you are going through and that you are stronger than this. But those words in your mind just seem to appear then disappear in this stream of doubt flowing in your head.
And then out of nowhere you are missing him. The one person in your life that you could believe when they told you “You can do this. I know you can. Believe in yourself.” You wish you can hear his voice now. You wish that you can call him and hear all the things you need to hear.

You are strong, I know you are.
Don't give up – I know you aren't a quitter.
Look how much you've accomplished on your own now – it would be a waste to just stop and throw everything you've worked for away.
I believe in you.
I have faith in you.
I love you.

But he's clearly moved on from the past unlike you. He's not holding on anymore – but you are. He still obviously has your heart, your soul, your whole being. You're suffocating in this one sided bullshit and you feel more alone now than ever. He's with someone new, someone that he loves, but someone that will never love him the way you did. But that doesn't even matter, because if it did things would be different. You'd still be together conquering the world like you promised each other you would. And that's why you think it's so hard to move on to other things – other people. You shared so much more than just love, passion, and happiness with him. You shared dreams, goals, accomplishments, failures, sacrifices, pain, hurt, LIFE. It's so hard to move on because he's there – part of everything you want to achieve. His essence is still in you, still driving you to do the things you once said you would do when you were still with him. They weren't just your dreams – they were dreams you had together ,with him. One and the same. And you're still trying to find out who you are without him. Still trying to take it one day at a time without breaking down- feeling weak. You complain how everything that happened was just so unfair but you know deep down inside that nothing in life is fair. Even though you know, you push that fact of reality aside and just take comfort in feeling sorry for yourself. It's 11:45, you're shivering but not from the cold. A few more minutes of this pathetic grovelling before you go and face reality again hoping that you will be stronger than you were today.

The Calm

2009-09-26T21:22:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling when everything is finally slowing down. That feeling when you just get home from a party, still slightly drunk. The people, the noise, the music- it's replaced with the eerie quietness. You're by yourself and you wish you didn't leave the party so early. You still want to drink so you can forget the feeling that even when you're surrounded by people you feel so alone. You want to drink more and forget about how when you talk to people that you feel like they aren't really there. Any of the conversations you have barely scratch the surfaces of what you really want to discuss. You're quickly losing you're buzz and all of a sudden that carefree, crazed, drunken happiness is fading. Reality is setting in and you don't like it. Thoughts of what you'll have to face tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that start to creep into your mind. You want - you need to be distracted by all the stresses of real life otherwise you think you'll go crazy. You wish you could replace alcohol with a person who can distract you just as well (without killing your brain cells). You wish someone would just GET you & talk to you about things with substance, things that matter- things that won't waste you're breath.
The buzz is completely gone and you're lying in bed feeling really empty. You cry and cry and cry so there won't be any tears left for the next day because god forbid someone break down these walls and actually get through to you - even if deep down that's what you really want. You're scared. And all of a sudden you feel like a 12 year old trapped in an 18 year old's body. You feel like you've changed so much that you don't even recognize or know yourself anymore. You don't always want to be brave but you have to. You start to fall asleep slowly hoping that you'll cope with reality a little better than you did today.

Scared & Lost.

2009-09-21T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to put everything I'm feeling into words right now. I don't know why but ever since school started my life has been a blur. Everything has been non-stop. I leave my house early in the morning & come home late. I barely have time to think. Then when I finally do get time to myself and really think about things all these emotions bum rush me at once and suddenly I'm breaking down without even realizing it. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm too busy to even just FEEL. Too busy to sort through my thoughts & emotions.
For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want. This scares the hell out of me. I feel like I've lost my sense of direction. Even though my life is on track I feel lost. I have everything going for me. I'm getting a higher level of education which I'm lucky to be receiving, I have a job that I love, and dance has been amazing lately. But why do I feel so empty? I feel lonely and I don't even know why. And the fact that I'm changing so much is making me nervous. The knowledge of knowing who I really am is blurring. It's like a part of me is disappearing and I have to re-discover a whole new part of me. I'm scared that I won't be able to hand it. I'm tired of being the "strong one." For once I wish I could just crumble and fall and someone would be there to catch me and put the pieces back together. But it doesn't work that way. In the end, all you have is yourself.

College Freshman

2009-09-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

...and it's back to the bottom again. I hate the feeling of being so inexperienced and "noob." I got lost this morning on my way to my first class of the fall semester and was 20 minutes late haha. Everyone else was late too though so I guess it wasn't too bad. My English instructor is pretty dope, but I only say that because he had some pretty nice yellow high top vans on! We didn't really do anything in the first session except go over the outline for the class ( which looks pretty fucking instense ) and then we went to the library to learn how to use moodle which I already fail at because I wasn't paying attention and didn't hear the enrollment password we needed for the class.
After English I have a two hour break in between before Psychology. I just went to the cafeteria to eat and what not before my next class. It's funny that you can tell who is a freshman and who isn't. There we are awkward as hell, most sitting by themselves, others sitting with new friends trying not to be awkward in conversation, and some people on their laptops trying to kill time before class (which was me) HA! I'm glad to say I met some people in the caf while trying to kill the two hours I had before class. For a while I was sitting in front of a guy who looked exactly like KEV JUMBA from youtube! I was trippin' balls!! They were almost identical...
ANYWAYS, Off to my psych class and my instructor seems pretty cool. She has the heaviest English accent I've ever heard. She use to work in a "BAA" so she's pretty deaf in one ear. Plus she makes us call her DOCTOR because she has her PHD- what a freaken boss!
Aside from me failing because I don't know how to do shit, I think college is gonna be pretty dope.

Silly Little Boys

2009-09-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Never trust a man whore. Oh well it's been good times. Thanks for all the free shit ;)

Foolish

2009-09-05T12:00:00.001-07:00

Just when you think you've finally broken the circle - here you are in the cycle again. It's feels like you've taken one step only to realize that you've taken 5 steps back. Just when you think you've got it all figured out- you're confused...again. Your heart and mind are polar opposites and you don't know which one to listen to or which one is right. All this time you thought that all of this was simply just black and white. But the thing is, it's really not. It's grey. It's messy. It's complicated. Nothing is ever guaranteed, nothing for sure - for certain. You just have to live it day by day and see how it goes from there. You have some really great days where you feel like you are just so close to reaching that point of being free from all this emotional baggage. But then some days you just hit rock bottom. One little thing reminds of you the past, of you and him, of how much in love you were, of how things used to be and you just crumble - you break down. You cry on the bus to work not even caring who's watching you because you are just so hurt. You try to go to work with a brave face and convince yourself that you have to be professional. You are reminded of your tattoo that reads out STRENGTH and you keep telling yourself you got to be strong no matter what. That you can get through your 8 hour shift without shedding a single tear. But then there you are a half an hour later after getting into work crying on the staff bathroom floor.
Then all these emotions just hit you at once. Emotions that you haven't been paying attention to for the past two months because you were just plain busy or didn't want to bother. You're scared even though you never wanted to admit it to yourself because you don't get scared. You take risk, you challenge everything, you get things accomplished. Although in light of everything you are actually scared shitless. Everything is changing so fast you barely have time to stop,think - reflect. Time just flies by and that scares you even more. But the scariest part of this whole thing is the way you are thinking. You think about everything that's going wrong instead of everything that's going right. You are ungreatful instead of appreciating all you've got. You wish for all these things that are nearly impossible. And then all of a sudden you're thinking you are just worthless. And then a new wave of tears streak your face as you realize that here you are back to square one. You still care.
The three words echo in your head and you laugh a little. This cynical and bitter laugh that doesn't sound like you at all. You are still angry. You still hold a grudge. You still can't just let it go. But then your logic kicks in and you question if you just missed the idea of it all. So now on top of everything you're confused. You look back a couple months and did not expect to be here ...again. But here you are still feeling this way. So you do all that's left to do at this moment in time. You get up, wipe your tears, inhale, exhale, open the door, and start from there.

Chill.

2009-08-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

"I gotta take the time to figure me out
before I explore you.
I like the way things are going now
between me and you- and the things we do
So let's take our time and just chill
just chiiiilllll"

;)

Change

2009-08-22T20:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how fast this summer went by. It seriously felt like one month instead of two, but I'm glad to be starting something new in September. Personally, I love change. Maybe it's because I'm a gemini and my mind seems to never settle on one thing for long periods of time. My environment always has to be changing other wise I just get bored. I was so glad when high school ended, not that it wasn't great. BUT it was just the same thing, the same people, the same classes, the same teachers, the same old routine EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was suffocating me. I'm pretty excited about going to university in September. It's a whole new THING for me to disect, mentally digest, and just something NEW for me to experience. I love starting from the bottom and working my way up. Although, I gotta admit the thought of everything makes me nervous. I probably will get lost on the first day because I'm so noob. Other than that I'm pretty stoked to meet new people and learn things I'm genuinely interested in. I'm actually pretty stoked for my philosophy class!! I have a feeling it's going to be a dope year.
Someone was telling me today that this year was going to be a year of change, and I'm cool with that. It's only been less than two months since I've been out of highschool but I already feel so changed. It's weird to know that I'm a different person from when I graduated in June. I don't know exactly what in me changed but I do feel different. Especially when I came back from Vegas everything just seemed....different. It was actually pretty scary. The fact that some things just didn't appeal to me anymore and how my perspective on things completely changed direction. I realized new goals of mine which I want to accomplish. And this whole summer just got me back on to chasing my dreams again. For a while I just gave up. I mean I didn't physically give up. But unconsciously I did. I stopped trying to accomplish the little things that would lead me to accomplish the "big thing". I stopped dreaming. That's the one thing I don't ever want to stop doing.
I'm inspired again. I'm driven again. I'm determined again.
It feels like a part of me that I treasured most was lost and has now resurfaced. It's not over yet...but thanks summer'09. It's been a crazy ass ride!

Muggy Days

2009-08-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

And it's days like this where I miss Vegas. The forty degree weather, kickin' in poolside getting a killer tan, then getting drunk and walking the strip at night. Someone take me back please.

12th ave love.

2009-08-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

What happened to the 12th avenue love?
Stacy T. & Alexis P. I miss you guys so much.
We haven't gone more than at least a week without seeing each other and now it's been ALMOST A MONTH since I've seen you guys. Honestly, what the hell!? Yeah it totally sucks. And it's no one's fault either. Our schedules hella clash with each others. Hopefully we can chill soon because honestly, I miss my girls...A LOT. You guys don't even know :(

FAKE bitches STANK

2009-08-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

What's up with girls trying to manipulate me into getting heated? Come on ladies, that high school mentality ain't attractive. If you're expecting me to act a fool and start some beef- you will be very disappointed. Stop wasting your time. Now seriously, smarten up before you actually do get a beat down by some psycho ass bitch that's serious when she threatens your LG self.

"Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem"

2009-08-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

For the past year you could say I've been "married to the hu$tle." After experiencing heartbreak and a bad case of LG-itis trying to sort through all the emotional bullshit that comes with having your heart smashed to pieces I just immersed myself in re-constructing- well, me. I used to be the "relationship type girl." I mean I didn't plan on dating one person after another- it just sorta happened that way. It wasn't like I was some cold-hearted bitch that was all about "out with the old and in with the new". In fact it was the complete opposite. Relationship after relationship- it was like both parties involved just ended up hurting in the end. Then after the last relationship I was in, it felt like I just hit rock bottom. I became cynical. Yeah I became that type of girl who lost her faith in relationships and love all together. The walls around my heart were now sky high with a Birds Eye View. But through out that year of trying to piece myself back together I got a lot accomplished. I worked harder, I trained harder in dance, I became a lot closer with my girls just to distract myself from the pain and the hurt.But through out all that I started to discover me. The ME without Him. I enjoyed my last year of high school to the fullest without any attatchments or committement to anyone. And it felt pretty damn good.

High school ended with a bang and I was excited for summer. Still hu$tlin and doing that 9-5 makin' that guap AND doing some MAD dance training with time still left to live it up. I got to "party monday through sunday everyday of the week" in the city of sin- Las Vegas. Now with half a month left of summer I feel changed. With this hella crazy busy schedule of mine I never took the time to just think and reflect. I was so caught up in trying to be an "independent queen" gettin' her own- I didn't even notice the big changes. I didn't even realize how much of a front I was putting up after being hurt.

I remember one of my girlfriends called me a robot because she honestly believed that I didn't have a heart. That comment kinda pushed me to realize how much of a front I was putting on. Unfortunately, I admit to breaking a few hearts here and there, playing games, mind-fucking whoever and whenever all to try and play off that I was "hard" and prove that I could play the game, and could play it well. I stopped myself from taking any risk and god forbid actually like someone because that would just make me into the girl I was before. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and took chances even if it meant getting hurt in the end because I used to think that the cheesey love letters, the hand holding, the silly inside jokes, and the love would be worth all the potential pain in the end.

I may not be that girl anymore but I'm not "hard" either no matter how much I claim to be. I mean yeah I'm independent, confident, and comfortable enough with myself to just say things straight up. Real Talk. But every girl out there no matter how "hard" they claim to be all want the same thing. To love someone and be loved in returned with the same amount of intensity on either side. We all want to fall crazy in love as if it was the first time all over again where everything was new and you felt like you were on a permanent high.

Where you had that stupid goofy smile plastered on your face 24/7
when no matter how bad the day was you had something to look forward to in the end
when you said that those cheesey one liners were stupid but secretely loved them and giggled to yourself when you were alone
when you felt like the whole world turned against you but it was okay because you had someone there beside you to take on the world with you.
when a simple "you look beautiful" could make your heart beat so fast and feel like it was about to explode.

When a simple I love you could make you feel so complete.

So fellas, when the ladies tell you "I'm too busy with work" or "I just don't have the time right now" she is probably telling you the truth. She could be wrapped up in her career, trying to make a name for herself. But if she was hella into you- then she would make time. Cold hard truth is, if she's not making the time for you...she's just not that into you.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm giving love a second chance. But I'm in no rush. I still wanna have fun because it's still summer and I don't do committement in the summer time-JOKING. ;)
I guess you can say I'm renewing my faith in this messy, complicated, want to make you pull your hair out thing called love. It's just the right person has to come along and turn this hard rock into a gem :)

Reminisce

2009-07-26T22:35:00.000-07:00

I somehow ended up reading some of my old blogs today about a certain someone and I suddenly got that nostalgic feeling. It kinda made me depressed seeing how most of my blogs about him were about hurting or getting my heartbroken. I look back on everything now and I'm quite proud of how I handled the situation we were both in. It goes to show just how much I cared for him- which scares me. I put everything I had- my heart, my soul, blood, sweat,tears; literally my all into just trying to put a smile on his face. I think that much emotion and the intensity level of all those emotions were just too much for me. It was like I just overloaded with all these feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. Realizing now that I was FIFTEEN is unreal. I was an LG fo sho! And LG's shouldn't be trusted with those kinds of intense emotions. Part of the reason why I think we didn't work out. Too young, immature, and selfish.
But it's cool now. I mean it took a hella long time but I'm over it. I'm really thankful that I got to experience being in love because there are some people out there that never get to. I've learned from all the stupid shit I've done in the past and because of it I know that I'm a stronger person.

Anyways I'm leaving for Vegas in A DAY!!!!!!!! (Not counting today though) I'm excited to leave all this bullshit behind that I'm currently involved in. I honestly DESPISE being the stuck in the middle. I'm tired of hearing all of your shit. I've said it a million times before just LET IT GO. She's not good for you. But I'm done with trying to convince you. I tired of telling you whats best. You obviously haven't been listening if every single time you just turn your back on me welcome her with open arms. You've fucked around with me heart enough times. I'm ~~sorry~~ but if she's going to be in your life - I'm out. I'm leaving for a week. You know when I get back. If you've figured your shit out, give me a call. If not - Peace out.

CHOKED

2009-07-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm pretty choked. Maybe I making it a big deal but what you did was pretty shady. Thanks for telling me straight up- Can you sense the sarcasm now? I wasted my time trying to figure out what to do because you just avoided everything.

ANYWAYS, 3 MORE DAYS TILL VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so stoked. It still hasn't hit me! I can't believe I'm leaving on Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Finally- a break from everything. 3 MORE DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sooner than later...

2009-07-23T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Vegas in five days and I still have so much to do. I took the day off work tomorrow just so I can get everything done before I leave. I gotta pick up that USC form from Capilano tomorrow then mail it somewhere in eastern Canada. Then I need to register for the workshops in vegas, buy travelers insurance, cash my cheque and convert it into US$ dollars, and find a song to hand into Marc for the break section of next seasons sickstylz piece: Symphony #2. I'm stressing!!!!!! Not to mention I gotta chill with the besties before I leave.
I honestly can't wait to leave Vancity. Other than a select few, I'm so tired of all the wack people in this city. I'm so fed up with all the people who just can't be STRAIGHT UP. I'm stoked to be leaving and just take a break from everything here.

_________________________

I really don't know what's going on. You were so chill and so dope. I didn't think you'd be so shady like this. It just feels like I wasted my time and still am wasting my time trying to figure out all this shit you're doing. I'm still wondering if what happened even phased you & if what happened between you and me happens a lot with you and other people. Am I just another girl on the list of many? I knew you never wanted to talk about it, but honestly...what the fuck was going on between us? I've been confused this whole time. I wish you would just honestly tell me what's going on. Then I would know what to do. But I'm just waiting and you know how much I hate waiting.
This whole situation = bullshit.

Shit that needs to get done

2009-07-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

-BATTLE! I'm hungry for it.
-Be able to do front tuck on hardwood floor
-Get elbow airflares!
-make that $$
-Print all the dope ass pictures from this year
& put them in albums
-Get my USC signed by cap
-Pick my courses at cap
-Try and take class everyday
-Finish the french for mastery 2 textbook
by the end of summer
-Read at least 20 books by the end of summer (18 More to go!)

Falling into place...

2009-06-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

SO, after going to the jam today and finally shopping (for myself!) which I haven't done in a while I end up taking a nap till 10. I'm supposed to be at a party right now but honestly, I'm really lazy :(
The Sickstylz auditions are tomorrow! I'm pretty stoked I get to be part of the audition process which doesn't involve auditioning. I've never been on the other side just helping out with everything. It'll be cool to see what that's like...
Aside from dance, I feel like everything is falling into place. I passed gr.12 & now all that's left is my graduation and dinner dance. I have my dress, my shoes, my accessories, and a date to boot! Now all I have to buy is fake hair...yay! haha. Hopefully they don't look fake on me & I've decided to take the ghetto route and do my own make-up! It's too late to book make-up appointments now, oh well that's what I get for procrastinating.
Elktrik is still eagerly awaiting Mr.Bolton's decision on which 2nd place team he's taking in Varsity. Hopefully we get to find out soon.
And lastly, a whole bunch of parties are going down this week which is dope! I'm pretty much going to be drunk for seven days straight. I hope my liver is prepared haha!
Summer09- I'm stoked!!!!!!

Eighteen

2009-06-18T00:07:00.001-07:00

Well seven minutes past my birthday and I've already gotten texts,calls, and facebook msg's. I actually feel really loved right now even if they're tiny gestures.
I'm officially 18 - no longer an LG! Yay for me. No huge birthday plans really. I'm just planning to get my 2nd tattoo tomorrow. Hopefully I can book an appointment at Next tomorrow for the same day. They give free tattoo's on your birthday! But thank you to the people who greeted me right at 12.

STACY - First person to call me as usual. Thanks love! It means a lot
LOUIS - First person to text me and write on my facebook wall. You're msg's are always so sweet! And I'm down for that date ;)
SONNY - Let's party it up this summer...you whore! <3
KYLE - I freaken miss you man. I promise I'm coming to rec to have a dope session once everything settles down!

Happy fucking Birthday to me! & thanks to everyone who remembered!

I miss it...

2009-06-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I've been M.I.A. in Vancity's bboy scene for a while...Everything's just been so hectic with Elktrik, Sickstylz, and Grad. I've been so busy with commitements to other things/other people I've literally had NO time for myself. Elktrik practice almost everyday to try to get to Worlds, Sickstylz commitement, and Gr.12. With all the prep for graduation, applying to schools, studying, extra curricular, and just trying to make this final year of high school last I've been neglecting the one thing that keeps me sane and gets rid of all this stress! I sincerely apologize to my crew StyleForce - I haven't come out or much less seen you guys practically this whole year. I hope you guys understand...
Also, I've been trying to up my game in the dance department hence the break from bboying this year. So hopefully this clears things up for everyone who's been assuming that I quit bgirling because of a certain bboy. This passion of mine has always rooted from MY OWN love for it. To be honest I don't regret just taking a breather from everything though. I've grown so much as a dancer this past year and I've realized how much harder I have to work in order to get where I want to be.
Now all I have left is to graduate and find out if Elktrik is still going to be able to go to worlds this year.
After that it's time for me to come back to where I belong...

HECTIC

2009-05-12T19:01:00.001-07:00

Everything has been super hectic lately so I haven't had time to update this. Sorry to the very few people who read my blog =P. BUT, it's three more days and....

WHISTLER
MAY LONG
WEEKEND BABY!

All you party people hit me up when you're up there!
604-374-5824

COME SUPPORT

2009-04-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

ELKTRIK is competing at METROTOWN

SATURDAY APRIL 25 1:00pm-5:00

1st level atrium (near Homesense and T&T)

COME SUPPORT!

CRUNCH TIME

2009-03-25T22:55:00.001-07:00

Sorry people, BRB.
Possibly be back at the end of the year.

Ain't so SAVAGE lately.

2009-03-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

INJURIES SUCK HARD. I know once my elbow is fully healed I'm going to have to do some mad training to get back to the shape I was in before. I can feel my stamina decreasing, I know my freezes are going to be weak as hell, and my footwork is going to look lazy and shitty! I went running this morning and I'm going to try and start running every morning so I can keep up my stamina for Elktrik. I'm cranky and irritable because I haven't battled in hella long. I'm missing ground zero today which is wack! I don't want to go if I can't battle. I didn't get to go to the workshop with bboy machine yesterday or bgirl smalls. Hopefully my elbow will be fully healed next week so I can practice again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Where in the world is ~~Carmen Diego~~ LADY SAVAGE?"

Old School Love

2009-03-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

This blog is inspired by my homie Rye1. Lately he's been spittin' out some REAL TALK which I really respect and admire. I was reading one of his post and he was saying how he wasn't really cut out for that "seeing each other" thing. I've come to realized that I'm not really cut out for it either.

I don't think I could start hanging out with someone and not know what their intentions are or what their intentions are going to end up being. Personally, I'm the type of girl that doesn't like to play games. If I meet someone and I really like them I don't want to wait three days before calling them. But apparently if a girl breaks that "three day" rule then she's some eager beaver, crazy, psycho bitch that's super needy and attached to you! When I really like someone I let them know and let them know what my intentions are. A lot of people think this is crazy but when it comes down to it, doesn't it seem so much more simple? If people were just straight up honest about how the felt don't you think that the world would be much less complicated?

"Hey I think you're crazy, sexy, cool and I want to get to know you better. We should chill sometime..."

This never happens anymore! I know that some people that are reading this are saying "What the hell that's so weird. Why would you say that to someone?" Everyone plays these little games and I'm just not cut out for it. If I want to tell someone that they are crazy sexy cool, I will! I'm down with that old school love that Rye1 was talking about. Some of that good old monogamy and loyalty that is so hard to come around these days. I've been hated on for being so honest with my emotions but that's only because I think others are just scared deep down inside to be straight up. There is a huge risk of getting hurt with being so upfront with you're emotions but it's a risk that I'm willing to take. You don't gain anything that's worth while without taking risks or taking chances. Now a days it's really hard to come across people who will just be honest about their feelings but I know if I keep doing what I do people will naturally start to follow. And maybe realize that it isn't so weird to just tell someone you like them. :)

Falling Into Place

2009-03-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

Finally it seems like everything is flowing smoothly. I found my grad dress, Whistler is booked, the Elktrik 09' routine is finished accompanied by costumes that look helllaaaa fresh! And Sickstylz finally performed for the first time. Even if I wasn't there to be a part of it I am damn proud of them. Everyone has worked so hard for those first precious moments on stage as a crew. I can't wait to see footage of it!

My elbow is feeling much better than the previous week. I still can't straighten it but I'm sure I will be able to put a bit of pressure on it by next week. I've been M.I.A. in terms of bgirling and battling but during the time I've been injured I've gained a better perspective of things and I'm so ready to just hit the floor and throw down. Release all this pent up negative energy I have inside. I don't think I'll be attending ground zero next week since I haven't been practicing and I don't think my elbow can handle battling yet.

With that said the competition season is officially here! I can't wait to compete with Elktrik again this year. I don't know HOW Yoshi manages to top our old routines with BETTER, BIGGER, AND DOPER ones. (I have my theories on that aka Yoshi is on crack. haha kidding) But my schedule as of now is

March 28th : Next Level @ the Sheraton Hotel in Guilford
April 5th: Set it off AGAIN -Location TBA
April 7th: Peak Invitational @ MJ Fox Theater.
April 19th: Synergy @ the Bell Center

If you want to come out and support let me know! ELKTRIK 09!

F MY LIFE

2009-03-05T15:08:00.000-08:00

"I told my boyfriend that I faked orgasms all the time to piss him off and he replied with - It's okay I'm fucking three other girls" -FMYLIFE.COM

Made me laugh out loud today in the library when me and my buddies were reading some before our next class. Anyways...
I haven't updated in a while since nothing too exciting has been happening. I've been stuck at home waiting for my elbow to fully heal so I can finally start dancing again. I'm going crazy! I'm really irritated at school especially when it comes to all the grad drama BS! Booking Whistler, Limo's, Grad dresses, etc. It's driving me crazy. Honestly who cares if the place we're staying at is super nice and beautifully furnished we're going to be too shittered to noticed in the first place!!!!!!!
And the dumbest thing happened last Sunday during practice- Matt J dislocated his right elbow too! I swear someone has Elktrik voodoo dolls and dislocating our elbows!! It was so scary seeing it happen to someone else right in front of me. So basically Elktrik is screwed over now with two members recuperating. I still can't straighten my elbow and it's pissing me off! I can't wait till Spring break other than the fact that my two besties are leaving me for the Dominican for Spring break! :( I'm gonna miss those bitches X 23.

Dislocation

2009-02-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

I dislocated my elbow Friday night doing hand hops and this blog is gonna be a bitch to type since I can only type with one hand! I've never felt anything so odd. I mean I'm pretty sure it wasn't that painful since I didn't cry, still it hurt like a bitch. I had to wait in emergency for two hours with my elbow popped out of place. That and the X-ray were by far the most painful. The whole process of the bone being popped back into place was okay since I was on laughing gas. Though it was pretty disgusting to watch. So now I'm going to try and lose weight just because if my right elbow can't support my weight my left elbow can't either! This is going to be a long week...

Naked & Bare

2009-02-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

Remember those walls I built
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
~~But I never really had a doubt~~
Standing in the light of your halo
~~I got my angel now~~

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
~~I'm surrounded by your embrace~~
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
~~It's written all over your face~~
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me to the ground again

I lost my voice.

2009-02-16T15:09:00.000-08:00

AH! So my voice is officially fucked up from last night...too much screaming I guess. Exclusiv3 last night wasn't as good as the second one in my opinion but it was still pretty fun! I still got groped like 293423094 times but thank god I had my girls to pull me away from those perverts! Seriously, do guy really think they can try and shove their hands down (or up my shorts in my case) and think that I won't notice!? Or think that they can actually pull that shit off?! Ugh, disgusting. Oh and tip for all you fellows out there- LEARN HOW TO KEEP A BEAT = more girls will dance with you. hahaha..
Anyways, Valentines was the other day and I'm sure all of you know by know where my viewpoint stands on Valentines day aka "Corporate rip off couples day." I've come to dislike all that romantic/cheesy crap. If someone wanted to win my heart I wouldn't want flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, and/or poetry. In truth, that stuff is way to cliche and played out ( in my opinion). I'd rather get new games for my DS or a new fresh pair of kicks, ha. The key to winning my heart is to just be real with me and pay attention to detail! If I say I don't like this cheesy romantic shit don't go and buy me a freaking rose-a-gram and make the football jocks sing"My Boo" to me in front of the whole freaking class! *Sigh. Just using that as an example. I don't see why couples need a specific made up holiday just to show how much they love each other. It should be like that most days but the world isn't perfect and neither are human beings. So that's that. BUT my valentines was pretty pleasant. Thank you for my gifts; I love them! (You know who you special people are <3)

TRUTH HURTS

2009-02-12T02:12:00.000-08:00

"Once a cheater, always a cheater."

GRAD WRITE UPS

2009-02-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

It's so crazy to think that in less than 5 months high school is going to be over. I mean I hear people talk about their past high school lives so much since I'm surrounded with people whom already have graduated. It's really odd to think that I'm going to be one of those people soon. In less than two years I'm going to be 20! It sounds, really scary actually. It feels like I'm in a race against time to accomplish what I want by then. It's even crazier to think that 4 years University is going to go by even faster seeing how 5 years of High School went by in a flash.
Today in English when we were told we had to hand in our grad write ups in two days I could see everyone in a panic almost. To encapsulate one's entire high school life and the experiences one goes through ie)New people,new friends, old friends, boyfriends, falling in love, falling out of love, heartbreak, ex-boyfriends,best friends, new experiences, accomplishments, failures, regrets, pressure, fatigue, excitement, drama in a little over 150 words seems a little impossible! I don't want to my grad write up and try and pretend like I have suddenly obtained knowledge way beyond my years. I want to look back and remember what it felt like to be a teenager. I think how they banned abbriviations,refrences, and insiders in the write ups are so stupid! I don't want to look back and seem like a brainwashed little private school student pretending to be an adult. They are pratically forcing us to use formal language.
So as I sit here typing this and also looking at the transfer program at the University of Toronto; I think to myself "It's really over". I mean personally for me it's not like high school was this big grand chapter in my life that many people claim it to be. I know that my experiences during this time aren't going to compare to the ones I'm going to have when I finally leave this little bubble. I'm estatic that I get to leave but I know once I'm gone, I'll miss it. Ironic huh?

........

2009-02-10T15:23:00.000-08:00

>:)

MINDFUCK

2009-02-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

You think you're the only that can do it?
Ha, get ready. You need a taste of your own medicine.
~~Sorry~~ it's my last resort.

HATERADE

2009-02-07T21:21:00.001-08:00

It feels like recently I've been on that hater trip. Usually I don't really pay attention to the idiots I'm surrounded with half the time. Usually the hater-ness comes out when talking to my two besties and they usually join me. But seriously, sometimes I don't believe the STUPIDITY I've been bombarded with lately.

1.) Grown Women Acting Like LG'S
First off, if you're out of high school and you're still beefin' with people that are younger then you. You need a reality check. I've been holding this in for quite a while but during Christmas break I traveled all the way to Surrey from Burnaby for a certain someone's 20th birthday party- IN THE FREEZING COLD SNOW I might add. Only to be called an LG by some girl who so clearly hasn't graduated from that high school mentality. I know I shouldn't be bothered by it and I ignored it. But honestly, lately there's this trend of 20+ year old "women" just straight up acting like fools. Girls these days just need to start respecting themselves and others around them. Girls always complain about how much people are "hating" on them; complaining how other people are calling them slut/whores etc. Maybe these girls should stop sleeping around with other guys because you're boyfriends dick is like "a roll of quarters."
Tip: SMARTEN UP & GROW UP.

2.) People who post STUPID SERIOUS videos.
Okay so I have my fair share of really stupid videos on facebook/youtube/ myspace. The only difference is that they are all FOR FUN. It's all in good humor. I'm not hating on all videos that aren't in a joking manner though. But I'm talking about those videos that people who think they're hot shit post up. "Hey look I'm so cool that I'm going to make a crew that has no relevance to anything I do! And all the while posting a video of what people who want to be in my crew (because everyone cares) should wear everyday!!!"
You've got to be fucking kidding me.

3.)People who dish it out but can't take it.
The title is pretty self explanitory. GROW A BACKBONE!

Yes, I do realize that I have a lot of negative enery pent up inside. This just goes to show that I haven't really been able to dance for a while. And by dance I don't mean just practice. I'm mean dancing as in me locked in a room by myself, blasting music, and I don't know how to explain the rest without sounding corny! Ha...

My Jazz technique is fucking rusty as hell.

2009-02-02T16:12:00.001-08:00

So, I went to the studio to practice before practice...haha. And I decided to work on my jazz since I haven't since last year. And WOW, I am rusty. I need to start taking jazz classes at harbour again. Ergh my Fuates suck ass.

My freestyle to Shooters by Robin Thicke

And my fautes that need A LOT of work lol.

Me, Myself, And I

2009-02-01T11:16:00.000-08:00

Ah, Sunday mornings...usually I'm getting ready for sickstylz practice today but I gotta take care of my mom today. I'm going to miss 2 practices in a row but there's nothing I can't do. I can't leave my mom alone in the house- either way I'm screwed...
But anyways, I went to the jam at harbour yesterday. It was pretty dope but honestly I just wasn't into yesterday. I was off and I fucked up on my set. I wish I didn't go and practiced at the studio instead. I haven't sessioned in a while and I haven't sessioned by myself in even longer. I don't know if this is just for me but when I'm alone it just feels so much better then when everyone else is around. I think that's why I've been so uninspired lately. I've been relying on other things or other people to make me feel that way when really it's all up to me. I remember before I used to session alone way more than sessioning with other people. When I go up to battle, especially yesterday with a few of my fellow elktrik members there, there is so much hype around me and the pressure fucks me up. That's why I hate it when people give me props even before I go out. I mean I'm not complaining- I love the support. But it's hard to focus when there is this invisible expectation there from people in the room. It took me a while but I'm starting to learn that the only expectation I should be satisfied fullfilling is my own. Dancing for yourself feels a thousand times better than dancing for others. Other people should try it more often...

Good-Bye Social Life

2009-01-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

1.)SCHOOL
2.)STUDY
3.)DANCE
4.)REST
5.)REPEAT

For now I gotta say byebye to my social life. I've been selfish the past year, instead of practicing or studying like I should have been I partied instead. It's easy to throw away responsibility like I did and focus on the things that were easy. But because I haven't been challenging myself I haven't improved, it's like I've been stuck in this spot- plateauing. And now this habit of ignoring my responsibilities just because they are difficult is in my system. I haven't been dedicated at all lately in anything I've been doing. I've been half-assing everything and I'm really disappointed in myself. I need to re-learn the meaning of self-discipline and like Marc said in sickstylz practice today- I need to start being a leader. No more half-assing during practice or school. I just came home from Worlds practice and it's like everyone was so motivated and driven that it inspired me. We were all working together so dilligently towards a common goal and it felt so refreshing. So I've had my fun partying but now it's time to return to my old habits. I remember when I first started dancing I always said no to parties that were on Friday nights because I didn't have a doubt in my mind that I wanted to go dance instead.
I never went out on Saturdays because I always went to go practice at bonsor. I finished my homework early on Sundays or did it the night before so I could go take class at Harbour the next day. During recess and lunch at school I would put on my iPod and run over all the routines in my head. I would fall asleep at night listening to breakbeats and thinking of sets. I breathed dance and I miss that. I miss the feeling and the satisfaction of getting things done and doing something worth my time. I miss the feeling of working hard. Sure it was easy doing nothing and going to parties but now I ask myself what did I accomplish in that time? That time where I could have been practicing, could have been improving, or could have been achieving something.
It's time for me to immerse myself in dance again. I'm pumped and ready.

Back to the Hu$tle.

2009-01-12T15:08:00.001-08:00

Back to school and now is the time that I'm officially stressing out. The first week of school was chill since the Chancellor tournament was going on and I skipped most of my classes to go watch games with my two loves APATOT and $$CHUGLIFE$$. But after that chill week and a weekend of partying I'm ready to buckle down and do some work! I seriously need to concentrate with midterms just around the corner and after finals I need to go look for another job and start saving for WORLDS. Yeah, it's bolded AND italisized because it's seriously one of the things that I NEED and WANT to experience. So we have our first practice this Thursday and these 2hour practices are going to be costing me about 150 dollars a month. And on top of that I still have to pay SickStylz fees. PLUS I need to start earning for Worlds if we make it past prelimenaries. It's going to be super stressful and hard and right now I don't even think I'm capable of doing all this plus school. I need to juggle school, Elktrik, SickStylz,Bgirling, a job, friends, family,GRAD...and it's just really overwhelming. I'm apologizing in advanced to all my friends because I'm going to have to sacrifice time with you guys to achieve my goal of making all of this happen. Sorry to my two loves ChugPrincess & Nadja but I know you guys will understand and support me in this, thats why I love you guys.
The chances of me accomplishing all of this seems slim but I just need to do whatever I can, try my best, and stop being so lazy!

Games

2009-01-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up at 7:00am and checked if I had school since the snow, and fortunately for me it was canceled! So I go back to bed and wake at 2pm. The first thing I thought when I woke up was...I should go take class at harbour today. So I go online to check which classes are running today. Luckily Stu's R&B 1 class was at 4. I get ready quickly and head out. I get to harbour and Jen was there! I haven't seen her in a while and it's nice to see a familiar face. So we get to talking and what not and she asks about him. I tell her the shortened version of the whole situation and the minute we finish our conversation...he walks in. Honestly, when something like that happens it feels like fate is mocking me. Out of all the classes, out of all days, out of all times! That he would be here taking the exact same class, on the same day, at the same time. Of course me holding a bit of a grudge for what he did to me I completely ignore him.
The class goes on and I learned a pretty dope routine. But all through out the class I have the urge to ask him why he deleted me off facebook. If anything I should have been the one to delete him off my facebook, but I don't see a point. To do something so childish like that...it's not how I roll.

Later on we ended up having a phone conversation and he tells me "I don't deserve to see bits and pieces of your life online and thats why I deleted you." Okay so...deleting me off facebook shows me how honorable you are because you think you're living up to what you think is right? If you want to be in someones life but you think you don't deserve to be..why don't you get up and do something about it? Instead of self-pitying yourself and trying to solve a problem using the internet. You say you don't deserve to be my friend on facebook but yet you don't do anything to prove that you deserve to be my friend in real life.In all honesty, I'm not down with people like that.We can't be friends. It's time to leave you, all the immaturity, the games, and the BS behind. I'm tired of playing this game. And it's only a game because we make it a game.

I realized today that I don't "win" by showing you or trying to make you realize how much you've lost. I don't "win" by showing you how jealous I can make you. I don't "win" when you finally realized how much you fucked up and decide to call me. I don't "win" when you finally admit that you were wrong.
You don't "win" when you know that I still have feelings for you. You don't "win" when you put up a front and have me believe it. You don't "win" when you make me jealous. You don't "win" when you think that in the end, after everything, you can still come back to me.

The fact is when this game is played there are only two losers who thought they've gained a victory over the other. I realized today that the only way I "win" is by doing whats best for me. If I need to admit to myself that I still have these feelings for you- so what. Lying to myself isn't going to make getting over you any easier. I just need to concentrate on me. I don't want to go somewhere and want to leave just because you're there, and it shouldn't be like that. I want to treat you like every other person in the room and just be neutral towards you. No hate, no love, just indifference.

So when I called you today and said I forgave you for everything you did to me, I really meant it. I just want to leave everything that happened between us behind and start over. You're right when you said that you didn't deserve to be in my life anymore but I don't want to go through life and hold on to that grudge I had against you. So it's time to just let things go and just let things be the way they should. I live my life and you live yours. No more playing this stupid game. So, I'm going to follow through with my new years resolution as best as I can. Time to surround myself with people whom are worth it. People who are on the same vibe as me.
With all this being said..I guess I'll just see you around...

WOW. BIGGEST LB STUNT OF 09'

2009-01-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

I really can't believe that you are 20 years old. Is deleting me off your facebook and msn really going to solve anything? I've tried that route a long time ago- it makes it worse buddy.
First of all my MSN display names weren't even about you. Then you respond to my msn display names with your own?! Did we really just have a conversation using our display names? How fucking pathetic! Why don't you try and act your age once and actually talk to me and ask me?
I don't even talk to you on msn OR facebook so what the fuck is the point? Or do you creep my page too much so you have to delete me on facebook. Do you read my msn display names everytime I go online? Is that why you have to delete me off your list? Do you finally realize that your little path of self-denial isn't working? Man, I'm glad you do this shit because it just makes me see how much you aren't worth it.

Just something about you...

2009-01-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

I don't even know why but now when I see you I just get so annoyed and irritated. It's unhealthy but it's also something I can't help. I didn't think it would be this bad. I mean I thought I would be able to handle at least being in the same room as you. But something about the way you are...just irks me. I don't want it to be like this though, really I don't. I want to be respectful, keep my distance from you, and just do my thing.
But the minute I notice you it's like...damn. I really hate the way you are. I mean, it's not even that I'm mad at you or even mad at how you screwed me over. That's old news and I left that behind in 08'. It just sucks because there is no way that I can avoid you. And also I've noticed that I tend to avoid my problems a lot which is really bad.
So, I just need to suck it up like I did today. For those of you who don't know me, I'm really good at hiding my emotions- amazingly good. It's scary sometimes...
But what bothers me most is the fact that YOU still bother me. I really shouldn't care whether or not you're in the same room or not. You're little games shouldn't phase me.
//end rant.

First of 2009

2009-01-01T00:20:00.000-08:00

Well it's finally 2009 and time for a fresh start. I spent this new year with my mom & dad and I'm glad I did. Sure I wanted to go party with my girls but I've been partying too much. 2009 is going to be all about trying to be a better person. So I start off the 2009 by spending much needed time with my mom and dad.

My mom and dad are cute aren't they? haha. And yes if you didn't notice. I did cut off most of my hair. Time for a change.

The long awaited END of 2008

2008-12-31T01:02:00.000-08:00

I'm actually really glad this year is over. It was an okay year but I've had more than enough servings of BS this year. My one main simple resolution is

To try and keep away from all the negativity that I've surrounded myself with in the past.

I mean 2008 had it's great moments.
-Getting into sickstylz
-Winning DTP
-Getting even closer with my bestfriends
-Crazy ass parties
-DANCE DANCE DANCE!
&& plenty more.

But as of 2009, I'm gonna try my best to cut
-Lies/Liars/People who can't admit to their feelings
-Grown women acting like they are still 14
-Grown MEN acting like LB'S
-Drama
-Being lazy
-Rationalizations
....out of my life

And just to surround myself with good people who are on the same vibe as me. So it's goodbye and good riddance to 2008, and hello 2009.

//I'm sorry to say that you don't deserve to be in my life. So ~~good~~bye. Have a nice life.

New Beginnings

2008-12-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

It's crazy to think if we didn't end it today would be our 2 year anniversary...It feels like I've been on riding this crazy roller coaster with a blindfold on. One minute I'm rising and I feel like I'm on top but I'm blind to see that I'm just going to end up falling again. When I've hit rock bottom, I start to rise again just so that it can repeat. But now it feels like I'm at the end of the ride...Once I realized it was all over- I felt nauseous and it's like I threw up my heart because it was the only thing that would make everything okay again. And usually after throwing up you generally tend to feel better because you've gotten everything out of your system but it's like I threw my heart up and you just stepped on it without even noticing.

This analogy seems stupid but it makes sense to me. I'm so angry and upset I don't even know what to do with myself. You really hurt me...again. It's like all of this is a sign that you aren't deserving to be in my life anymore. You know..I was almost to that point where I could pick up the pieces of my heart and finally put them back together again. Then in one night...in a few minutes, in a few sentences, and one simple kiss was all it took for me to try and come running back. I feel like the biggest idiot. Yes, we were both faded but you told me that you hated using the excuse of being drunk and there you were using the excuse of being drunk! You totally contradicted yourself. You told me you didn't remember anything, but I think thats total bull.Once you finally "found out" what you did that night- you said you didn't mean any of it. But the fact that you told me some things that I KNEW you meant. About how you said you fell in love with her...So you didn't mean that either? It just doesn't add up- it just DOES NOT make sense at all.

This whole time I've been thinking that you've been lying to me. But I kept asking myself "What if he's telling the truth?" and that just totally fucked me up. I'm going to stop asking myself what if...I'm trusting my gut instinct on this. If you have to lie to yourself to get through life. Be my guest. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, but not this time. I'm calling your bluff and you can deny it as much as you want because I don't need someone like you in my life. I've always asked myself why I kept running back to you. Why would I chase after someone who clearly isn't deserving of me? The only reason that I came up with was because I was in love with you. But now I realize that isn't enough anymore. I deserve the truth, I deserve more than lies.

You keep telling my that you have to become an adult now, that you need to "man up." Yeah, what a way to become an adult and "man up." Paying your own bills, moving out of your house, having a job doesn't make you anymore grown up. You are turning 20 but you're acting like a 16 year old boy. How pathetic. For you to do something like this and lie to me just shows how much you still need to grow up.

I'm glad the year is almost over. I need to dispose of all the negativity in my life and I'm sorry to say that you are the main contributer to all that negativity. It's time for a fresh start. A new beginning and learn from all the mistakes I've made this year. My main resolution for 2009 is just to surround myself with people whom are worth being in my life. It's time for me to leave everything behind and move forward. I deserve better.

"Someday you're gonna wake up and wonder what went wrong.
Don't miss me when I'm gone."

LOL pics of the day.

2008-12-29T09:57:00.000-08:00

Me + Half a 2/6 of Vodka =

I hate you.

2008-12-28T22:56:00.000-08:00

I hate you.
I've never said that about anyone, and I can't believe it's you of all people. How could you do that? You don't remember? That's bull. I don't deserve this.
Honestly why is this happening to me? I haven't done anything but the right thing lately. At your party I could have easily done all the things that I wanted to do, but no I did the right things. I respected EVERYONE. And yet all of this shit happens? It doesn't make sense. All of this still doesn't make sense to me. And again I'm at square one. I don't think you understand how much you fucked me over. You know, I was almost there, I was almost fucken there. But no you say all these things, you DO all these things and you expect me to treat it as if it was NOTHING because you were drunk?! Man, fuck you.
I honestly don't believe what you said to me on the phone. But that's just me. You might be telling the truth, but what you said to me just doesn't make any fucking sense. And you contradicted what you said..twice! I'm done with this bullshit.

Don't talk to me until you've gotten yourself figured out. Because you clearly need to do that.

The Mourning After Part II

2008-12-27T16:32:00.001-08:00

I've never been so confused...I don't even know what to do. And I hate not knowing what do to. All I know is that I'm confused and this is some fucked up shit. I said some things I shouldn't have said last night. And you said things that you definitely shouldn't have said last night. Yes, we were both faded but all I can say to that is

"Drunk words are sober thoughts."

Man, I knew I shouldn't have went. I know it's selfish but if I didn't come...I think it would have been better for the both of us. I didn't want to find out this way. I didn't want to hear all the things you had to say this way. I didn't want us to have to drink copious amounts of alcohol to finally have to say what was really going on in our minds. Whatever happened to being straight up? Being honest? WE fucked up. Yeah it wasn't just me and it wasn't just you...it was the both of us. I don't want to do this with you. All the lying...all the things we have to keep from each other because we might hurt each other. I don't care if it hurts, don't protect me because in the end it's just going to fuck me up even more-fuck US up even more. TRUTH HURTS. But I'd rather hear the truth than all these lies.
I don't understand how you can say all these things to me that confuse the hell out of me. That scare the hell out of me because honestly I'm scared to get my heartbroken again. I don't want to get my hopes up..again.
You were talking about marrying me for goodness sake, and then the next minute you were telling me you fell in love with her! How does any of that make sense to you? I knew it too...I tried to figure out so hard WHY. Why you kept talking to her after she sunk so low and screwed you over SO badly and more than once! It hit me hard but I knew that you'd fallen for her. Why couldn't you just tell me? You know how much I still care for you and you know how much I hate seeing you hurt. Why couldn't you just tell me so I could be there for you? And when you said that if you told me what happened that I would go and fight her? How long have you known me? You know I would NEVER start shit like that. She hurt you bad, but I'm not going to take the low road and try to intentionally physically hurt her.
"An eye for an eye leaves the world blind"

And all this "maybe" "if" "in a couple of years" "someday" "if we both change" "you need to experience more" bullshit. I don't understand. You know it's not fair that you have the security of there being an "US" again. That if you can't find what you need or what you want from someone else, you'll always have the security of me being here. You tell me that you wanted something new-something fresh. You want to know if you can fill that void with someone else other than me. We're at different places in our lives but not in the way that you think. I'm 17 , I'm young- I get it. But I'm smart enough to know that "my void" can only be completely filled by one person that's right in front of me. I'm not swearing off everyone else. I'm not saying it's either you or no one. I may find someone that can fill that void the way you did, but I'm really skeptical. When you find that person...when you experience what it's like to be with that person. When you are willing to sacrifice everything you have for them, accept all the changes, love all their faults. You just know it's never going to be the same with anyone else once you find this person. It's like we're both trying to find what we had together with other people...and it's just not there.

We made mistakes- we were both immature and I'm not even looking for a relationship right now. I just need to know the things that will clear my mind and answer all these questions.
I regret telling you all those things last night...but I meant every word I said.

I also didn't like the fact the she was trying to make it a competition. I sincerely apologize for everything that happened. I wish your party wasn't so full of this bullshit. But please know, I tried. I tried for the sake of your happiness to be civil and respectful to her. But what hurt me so bad was when I greeted her and she didn't even acknowledge me. When I was trying to make your party a good one, she was giving me dirty stares all night long and talking to her friend about me right in front of my face is just plain disrespectful. I heard what she said about me loud and clear. And I know for a fact that she wanted me to hear it. The fact that she was trying to be all over you in front of me to make me jealous...I don't want to do that with her. She's not in high school anymore and I'm over that kind of mentality. I honestly don't even know why you invited her. It's like all of this could have been avoided if I didn't show. Now I feel bad for her because you're whole family dislikes her and she felt unwelcome. Maybe if I wasn't there she wouldn't have reacted that way...and maybe you would have had a happier, less fucked up birthday party. I know it's not my fault. And she chose to act that way in front of your family. But I can't help but think that this all could have been avoided if I just wasn't there.

But after everything, I'm a little glad that I came. It's nice to see you smiling and having fun. That was the one thing that I was so sad about last year. I wasn't sad because I didn't get to go to a party last year and have fun/get drunk or whatever. I was sad because I didn't get to see that smile on your face thats rarely been there with all the bullshit going on. It's pretty funny seeing you drunk. So, now after everything. I know that we need to talk. So here I am, spilling my soul on here hoping that maybe you would read this and understand how I feel. I'm still angry about what happened at your party...but theres nothing I can do about it now. I just need to accept whatever happens- even if I don't like it.

P.S. Sorry for passing out on your bed. I seriously didn't know until Alexis told me that Virn had to carry me to the other room. I sincerely apologize. I wasn't trying anything. I was seriously just so exhausted and passed out.

Drunk

2008-12-27T04:32:00.000-08:00

So it's 4:32 in the morning and I'm at your house for the first time in forever...drunk as hell. And this is probably one of the most truthful blogs you will ever read. This night was just a gong show. All these mixed signals...all these fucked up things and all the things you've put into my mind. I don't really know how to feel right now. All the things you've said have been jumbled and mixed in my mind I can't even re write what you said to me earlier. I don't even know. I don't understand what you said earlier about in a few years if I still had feelings for you then it would be a good thing. But do you really expect me to still have feelings for you in a few years? Do you really expect me to keep holding on to these feelings? I want to move on but you make it so hard for me? I don't understand why you still do this to me...It's so hard.
Then she was there and then you were talking to some other girl on the phone while I was in your bed in your arms...I really don't understand any of it. You fuck me up so bad. You say all these things and then the next minute your on some other shit completely contradicting what you just said. I don't even know...I don't even know. You told me you fell in love with her...It hurt but I knew deep down that you did. But how could you look me in the eye and say that if we didn't break it off...you would have asked me to marry you in a few years? Thats some fucked up shit you know? Don't do that shit to me/

Christmas and what not...

2008-12-26T14:55:00.001-08:00

Christmas this year turned out better than I actually thought it would. It was just me and my mom but later that day I went to Stacy's house to surprise her and Alexis with their gifts. Man their reactions just made my day. It was pretty hilarious seeing Stacy and Alexis trying to cover their tears with laughter ahhhahah. Good stuff guys. I put a lot of heart into what I gave you and I'm really happy you guys love it!
Anyways it's boxing day and I'm a little sad that I'm not shopping right now. But I really don't feel like dealing with all this snow and all the chaos at the malls. SO I'm waiting for Stacy to get off work so me her and Lou can go chill at her house, rent movies, and drink hot chocolate. Which in my opinion is the best thing to do on a day like this!
Victor's party is tonight, I have to say I'm not looking forward to getting there because of all this damn snow. Seriously why can't it stop and start when school starts so everyone can have an extra long break? I wish....
But yeah I've been stuck in my house for like the past week so I'm down to just let loose and be social. It's like I've been a hermit!!!!!!! Seriously, I don't know how I'm still sane right now...
I need to get out of my house and see people lol.
So, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and I'll post pictures up later...

The FIGHT

2008-12-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

Fight Before Christmas was ill. For those of you who weren't there you seriously missed out HELLA. This jam inspired me. Seeing my crew smoke cats in the cypher and battle and seeing that battle of 30 plus rounds between jbugz and Thesis...crazy.
RAW is the word I would choose if I had to describe the jam in one word. When the power went out Jbugz and Thesis were throwing down on some Man and Women made beats yo. Those cats have some kind of stamina especially to be sticking some of the shit they pulled out of nowhere.
I battled by myself because it's something I had to check off my New Years Resolution from the beginning of 2008. Personally, I think I did alright. Nothing amazing, just okay. But it was fun. I haven't been in that battle atmosphere in a while, I have to admit I'm a bit rusty.
Anyways, I finally got to spend some time with my boys from Style Force. It was cool & I'm excited to go to the free jam they are throwing in January because this one got cancelled due to the power outage. Props to Mike for throwing yet another dope jam, I always have the most fun at FBC.
Shout outs to my crew StyleForce and all the Surrey kids that keep holding it down on the real. For us new gen...it's up to us to hold down the scene and make it bigger and better!
WORD.

SNOW DAY

2008-12-17T14:54:00.001-08:00

Got off early from school today due to the snow! And only half a day of school left till FREEDOM.
Dec.19 - SCHOOLS OUT. Christmas Mass / Ice skating/Dance 6:30-10:30/Due's party?
Dec.20- Fight Before Christmas IV
Dec.21- Finish baking all my Christmas Cookies/ Wrapping Gifts
Dec.22- Work 10-5
Dec.23- Work 10-5
Dec.24- Christmas Eve
Dec.25- Christmas!
Dec.26- Victor's Birthday Party
Dec.27- Free
Dec.29- Work 10-5
Dec.30- Work 10-5
Dec.31- New Years Eve/ Jon's party?
Jan. 1 - New Year
Jan. 2 - Work 10-5
Jan. 3 - Free
Jan. 4 - Free
Jan. 5 - Back to school =[

If anyone wants to chill. Holla at me on my free days!!!
And it's hella snowing outside. I always forget how nice Vancity gets when it's blanketed in snow.

Friends

2008-12-10T17:44:00.000-08:00

You know, kickin' it with you felt so good. It's like we've been so caught up in trying to avoid certain situations we got scared to just sit down, chill, and talk. 6 long ass months and I'm really happy that we can be friends now. We don't have to worry about hurting feelings, hidden feelings, or any feelings! And that just feels so damn good. Honestly, I just miss being your friend. I mean you're the person that knew the most about me and it's great to talk to someone who understands the way I think and how I feel about things. I was always trying to figure out why I felt so down and out when you weren't here. Now I realize that it's not because I wanted you to be my boyfriend again, I just missed our friendship. Yes, you were my boyfriend, but you were my bestfriend too. Thank you for taking me out to dinner. It was fun and refreshing and it felt really good to just talk. It sounds so stupid but it honestly feels like a huge weight has been lifted of my shoulders. It feels like I've been holding in this breath and now after everything, it's been let out. Literally, a huge sigh of relief.
Thank You.

Seasonal Depression.

2008-12-03T19:10:00.001-08:00

I'm sick. I hate not being able to breathe through my nose. I sound so digusting. UGH. I despise winter. I can't believe it's December already. Christmas Break in 3 weeks! I've noticed a pattern these past couple years. 2 Years ago I had on of the best breaks and last year..one of the worst.
The contrast is unbelievable. Let's compare shall we?

Falling in love for the first time vs. Mom being in I.C.U.
Spending time with people I love vs. Spending time with people that hated me in a hospital
Opening presents in my warm house vs. Watching my mom open her presents in a hospital bed

Yeah, it's been a rough year and I'm really look forward to 2009. I can't say that I'm all that stoked about Christmas. Everyone is getting into the Christmas hype and I just can't seem to invest my hopes into a holiday that was so bad for me last year. Well, only time will tell. I'll do my best to make due with whatever situation I'm put in. I'm really lucky to have family and friends to celebrate this season with. Some people have no one at all.

Easier

2008-11-21T23:19:00.001-08:00

I'm amazed at how everyday it's starts to get easier not to think about you. I've come to accept that this process is going to be a long and hard one but I'm taking baby steps. I can't just expect myself to get over you so quickly, and you can't expect it either. Please have patience with me.
There might be chance that I never will get over you and still hold that regret of letting you go till I'm a wrinkly old Filipino lady with saggy boobs with two un-matched slippers. But I believe that there is a bigger chance of me being able to let go and move forward with my life; moving onto new and better things. But lately, I don't seem to think about you as much I have before. Each week I wake up happier, more composed, less of a wreck, and more at ease with how my life is going. I'm getting to that place where I'm content and even happy with my life even if you aren't in it. The thought of seeing you is become less and less appealing in my mind (which surprised even me).

The only thing that still angers me is that after everything you said "I would still really love to be your grad date. I want to keep that promise I made to you and live up to my word."
Thats great that you want to do that but you haven't kept any of the other, more important, ones. Why would you want to try to keep this silly promise? You think you're more honorable if you keep this promise? It's quite the opposite. You can't rationalize with yourself that if you keep this promise everything will be all good. You broke the most important promises you said you would keep. I'm may be brokenhearted but I'm not ignorant nor am I a fool. I may be stupid for but I'm not stupid. I know I'm the one that made you promise me, but things change. Maybe if I made you promise to be with me -we would still be. But hey, everythings in the past now right?

I'm just letting you know that whenever you might need me down the road-I won't be here for you. The moment you told me that you were over me, is the moment you pushed me out of your life. I know for the people that read this must be getting tired or irritated about me writing about it. But it's just not that easy for me. I need a while to recouperate and get my heart back into one piece. But just as I wrote earlier, it is getting easier and easier. I know that soon- I'll be happy.

2008-11-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

I wanna go to this so freakin' bad. Ergh, why can't Vancity have jams like this? If I had the money I would seriously go to Miami on my own. Miami always reminds me of the song "93' till inifinity" by Souls of Mischief. If you haven't heard it, go listen to it; you're missing out on some quality music. But...can someone take me to Miami for this jam? I will love you forever!!!!

Speaking of Miami, we had to write an essay today for english comparing Obama's acceptance speech to a poem Langston Hughe's wrote.(Yes I know Miami doesn't have anytthing to do with Obama but Miami is in the United States so there!) If you don't know you Langston Hughes is he was the advisor to Martin Luther King Jr. It was probably one of the harder essays we had to compose especially because we had to find similarities and differences using literary devices. But when I was listening to Obama's speech it actually gave me goosebumps and it was freaky how the two connected. Langston's poem "A Dream Deferred" talks about how the American dream was lost after Martin Luther died and how if a dream is delayed it could lead to destruction. It states how African Americans in his time never recieved the equality they've been fighting for and now 45 years later the first African American is elected president. In Obama's speech he talks about how man landed on the moon, the invention of the internet, and how a black woman could now cast a vote in an election. It's cool to see how the two contrast because Obama's tone was one of hope and optimism for a better day where as Hughes' poem was one of hopelesness and pesimism. But yeah I'm a nerd and I actually like doing these kinds of things. If you want to listen to Obama's speech and read Hughe's poem to see for yourselves, here are the links.

http://www.cswnet.com/~menamc/langston.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jll5baCAaQU

Indifference

2008-11-17T15:49:00.000-08:00

Indifference
I don't understand why I'm still so stupid for you. I mean my life would be so much more positive if you just weren't in it. I don't understand why I'm so attracted to someone like you.

-huge ego
-selfish
-immature
-always puts up a front
-stubborn
-does not know the meaning of humility
-short tempered

The list goes on and on. But part of falling in love with you was accepting these faults of yours and loving you anyways. But now these are the things that are helping me get over you. There is a thin line between love and hate. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. I just need to stop caring. Stop caring about what the fuck you do with your life, stop caring about how you treat the people that look up to you like they are below you, stop caring about how or why you send so many mixed messages, stop caring about who you date, stop caring about how much of an ass you are, and stop caring about how you treated me - how you treated us; in the past.
I don't want to erase you from my memories because through everything, even if you have caused some of the worst moments of my life- I was still happy because you were in my life. I don't know if I was just stupid or just head over heels. Every time you did something to hurt me, my self worth went down. But I'm happy now because I realize my self worth. I'm not bitter towards you or what happened. Whenever I think about us now I can smile and remember all the sweet things you did and all the great moments we had. You were a big part of my life and I'm glad. But now it's time to move on. I'm still taking the time to get over you, but soon I'll be able to look at you and smile without feeling resentment, sadness, or anger towards you. I won't have to put up a front of being happy without you because I really will be. I won't have pretty myself up whenever I think I might see you because I will no longer feel the need to impress you. I won't be here for you on every whim because the truth is I will no longer care for you the way I still do. You will be just a regular person in my life. Not a best friend, not a close friend, just a friend. You won't be important to me anymore and that's what you chose when you told me I'm no longer special to you. Everything will come in time but for now I just need to be strong for myself.

Math Free

2008-11-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

MATH FREE

Yeup, it's official I'm dropping Math 12 and I didn't think I would feel so relieved but I am! I mean, I'm bright but I admit that I'm just lazy as hell but I actually put effort into math because I wasn't that great at it. Still, Math just isn't for everyone. I'm sooo happy!!! And I just looked at the Capilano College admission requirements for the Psychology Transfer Program I want to get into and it doesn't say anything about needed a Math 11 or 12 course!!!! So basically they count the 4 highest Gov.t Examinable courses you take and I have 5 to choose from since I took Econ 12 last year. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Anyways, Elktrik had an audition today at the scotia bank dance center. For some reason we're always last. We did okay I think but everyone was out of shape. Ergh, I need to get my cardio back up...

---I miss you but there's going to be a day when I don't miss you anymore.I can't wait.

2008-11-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

WEDDING BELLS RING
My cousin's wedding was today and it was so hectic. I got back from driving lessons and then I had to get ready in less than an hour. I really hate being rushed. I didn't think I would cry at the wedding but I actually did. I don't know what it was that made me tear because I'm not really that close with my cousin but I guess it was just the moment and how they were so happy all through out the ceremony.
But yeah I'm pretty much screwed for my math test on Monday because I didn't do ANY studying today. Then tomorrow I have an audition at 4 in downtown which means I'll have to leave my house at three which means I'll have to start getting ready at 2. I'm gonna have to wake up super early tomorrow. I'm tired and stressed. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fail that math test. I want to drop math so bad but my academic councilors at school won't let me drop it. Those bastards! I seriously wish someone would just give me a massage. The one huge thing I miss about having a boyfriend...free massages haha. But I'm off to bed so I can get up early tomorrow and study math. Oh what a wonderful thing to wake up to.

2008-11-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

Busy X 23

SO many things to do, and I feel like I can't possibly do them all. I have three text next week and I haven't even looked at any of the material, I still need to desperately find a decent job, pay for my driving lessons, somehow pay for sickstylz costume, get ready for my driving test, finish all this homework, DANCE DANCE DANCE ( which I haven't been doing enough of lately), and just get over everything I need to get over. My cousins wedding is on Saturday and I didn't even find out until the week before. I have the For the Love of It youth audition on sunday which gives me less time to study for bio and math.

Erghh, I'm so stressed. But I need to just get everything done one at a time. I've barely been practicing dance, and I've barely bgirled since the summer. I remember being so crazy about bboying but somehow that inpiration/passion is lost to me now. I really can't comprehend it. Maybe it's because improving just gets so much harder as you get deeper into the game. I remember when I first started I accelerated fast. My improvement level was really high and that gave me the drive to keep going. Now that it's getting harder and harder to improve my drive has gone downhill, and I know it should be going up. It's like I'm hitting a brick wall or I'm plateauing. I haven't been practicing at all lately, at least not properly. I really need to start practicing again. I really need some inspiration. Youtube can only be used to a certain extent until you realize, damn I really need to start seeing these battles in real life. I wish I can just not go to school after highschool and just dance and work. But I know it's not the right thing, at least not for me. I need to know I have security in case trying out dance as a career doesn't work out for me. During the summer it's my goal to at least get to travel outside of Vancouver to see some battles and train in different environments. I just seriously need a job right now so I can fund these goals of mine!!!!!!! No more being lazy X 23

Surrey Boys that Bboy, Heartbreaks, Tears, Pie Palooza, Barf Smells, and Abreves

2008-11-11T21:40:00.000-08:00

Surrey Boys that Bboy, Heartbreaks, Tears, Pie Palooza, Barf Smells, and Abreves

Yes the title pretty much explains it all in a nutshell. The long weekend has literally been a roller coaster of pies. hahaha. The pie party on Monday night was very sticky and barf smelling but so worth it! We went all out and geared ourselves out in garbage bags and were equiped with some pie and a whole lotta whipped cream. It went down in the park near Jon's house and the pie fight lasted about all of 2 minutes but damn that was a satisfying 2 minutes. We booked it back to Jon's house leaving the park in a complete mess. I haven't done any thing so fun being sober in such a long time. After running back to Jon's we all smelled like barf and were all grossly sticky. Most of us showers..some of us didn't *ahem stacy*. She was "disgusts" man HAHA! So yeah I'm pretty sure team ODDS kicks team EVEN's ass. I came home and my mom was pretty pissed, she still is. I hate it when my mom is angry with me. There is so much negative energy in my house.
Before the pie party me stacy and alexis were all pretty much having a cry fest. It was pretty "deps." I can't believe we're all pretty much in the same situation. It's so comforting to know that we all know how each other feels though. I don't think I can get through all of this alone. I pretty much just kept myself busy for the past few days just to keep my mind off everything. But the minute I get home my mind starts to wander and then I just start to feel so low. I seriously don't know what to do. There is this part of me that feels you just lied because you just didn't want to complicate things. But the other part of me feels that you actually really are over everything.

I'm seriously putting my heart on the line here. I'm being completely honest with myself. I haven't been honest with myself for so long now. I'm bearing my soul here and all I want in return is a little honesty. I might have just have made one of the biggest mistake of my life in regards to letting you go. I don't care who knows it. I don't care who knows how much I miss you and how much I'm still in love with you. I'm just sick and tired of lying to everyone and trying to lie to myself. If I can't be honest with myself who can I be honest to. Seriously, even if I've surrounded myself with good people for the past couple of days and just tried to concentrate on dance. Everything reminded me of you. Everything. After everything, it's just so hard to believe that you can just put me off to side and move on with your life. All those letters you wrote. I don't want them anymore because they are pretty much lies written on paper now. I actually believed all the things you said in those letters. It's so hard for me to get over everything and just like that you've moved on. I must be really stupid to let the one person I cared for the most walk out of my life. It's one of the few regrets I have in my life. Now all thats left for me to do is to wake up tomorrow and try to forget about everything we had. I just wish we were on the same page. We could start over. Forget the old us because we're new people now. I don't understand why I just didn't stick it out and try to work things out with you. I admit I gave up because things weren't going the way I wanted them to be. I realized everything too late though. That's too bad because I gave my heart to you and it may take me a really long time to get it back from you. No matter what the situation was between us, deep down I was truly happy. I hope you know I don't regret being with you even if things turned out the way they did. I don't regret giving you my heart and soul and everything I had because at the end of the day I got to see a smile on your face. Sorry for the overload of emotion. I just wanted to be honest, and hopefully you can be honest with me too.

Anyways shout outs to A.P. and S.T. You girls keep my head up and put a smile on my face. We can get through it together. FUCK SURREY BOYS, for real.