It's crazy to think if we didn't end it today would be our 2 year anniversary...It feels like I've been on riding this crazy roller coaster with a blindfold on. One minute I'm rising and I feel like I'm on top but I'm blind to see that I'm just going to end up falling again. When I've hit rock bottom, I start to rise again just so that it can repeat. But now it feels like I'm at the end of the ride...Once I realized it was all over- I felt nauseous and it's like I threw up my heart because it was the only thing that would make everything okay again. And usually after throwing up you generally tend to feel better because you've gotten everything out of your system but it's like I threw my heart up and you just stepped on it without even noticing.
This analogy seems stupid but it makes sense to me. I'm so angry and upset I don't even know what to do with myself. You really hurt me...again. It's like all of this is a sign that you aren't deserving to be in my life anymore. You know..I was almost to that point where I could pick up the pieces of my heart and finally put them back together again. Then in one night...in a few minutes, in a few sentences, and one simple kiss was all it took for me to try and come running back. I feel like the biggest idiot. Yes, we were both faded but you told me that you hated using the excuse of being drunk and there you were using the excuse of being drunk! You totally contradicted yourself. You told me you didn't remember anything, but I think thats total bull.Once you finally "found out" what you did that night- you said you didn't mean any of it. But the fact that you told me some things that I KNEW you meant. About how you said you fell in love with her...So you didn't mean that either? It just doesn't add up- it just DOES NOT make sense at all.
This whole time I've been thinking that you've been lying to me. But I kept asking myself "What if he's telling the truth?" and that just totally fucked me up. I'm going to stop asking myself what if...I'm trusting my gut instinct on this. If you have to lie to yourself to get through life. Be my guest. I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, but not this time. I'm calling your bluff and you can deny it as much as you want because I don't need someone like you in my life. I've always asked myself why I kept running back to you. Why would I chase after someone who clearly isn't deserving of me? The only reason that I came up with was because I was in love with you. But now I realize that isn't enough anymore. I deserve the truth, I deserve more than lies.
You keep telling my that you have to become an adult now, that you need to "man up." Yeah, what a way to become an adult and "man up." Paying your own bills, moving out of your house, having a job doesn't make you anymore grown up. You are turning 20 but you're acting like a 16 year old boy. How pathetic. For you to do something like this and lie to me just shows how much you still need to grow up.
I'm glad the year is almost over. I need to dispose of all the negativity in my life and I'm sorry to say that you are the main contributer to all that negativity. It's time for a fresh start. A new beginning and learn from all the mistakes I've made this year. My main resolution for 2009 is just to surround myself with people whom are worth being in my life. It's time for me to leave everything behind and move forward. I deserve better.
"Someday you're gonna wake up and wonder what went wrong.
Don't miss me when I'm gone."
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