Games

Today I woke up at 7:00am and checked if I had school since the snow, and fortunately for me it was canceled! So I go back to bed and wake at 2pm. The first thing I thought when I woke up was...I should go take class at harbour today. So I go online to check which classes are running today. Luckily Stu's R&B 1 class was at 4. I get ready quickly and head out. I get to harbour and Jen was there! I haven't seen her in a while and it's nice to see a familiar face. So we get to talking and what not and she asks about him. I tell her the shortened version of the whole situation and the minute we finish our conversation...he walks in. Honestly, when something like that happens it feels like fate is mocking me. Out of all the classes, out of all days, out of all times! That he would be here taking the exact same class, on the same day, at the same time. Of course me holding a bit of a grudge for what he did to me I completely ignore him.
The class goes on and I learned a pretty dope routine. But all through out the class I have the urge to ask him why he deleted me off facebook. If anything I should have been the one to delete him off my facebook, but I don't see a point. To do something so childish like that...it's not how I roll.

Later on we ended up having a phone conversation and he tells me "I don't deserve to see bits and pieces of your life online and thats why I deleted you." Okay so...deleting me off facebook shows me how honorable you are because you think you're living up to what you think is right? If you want to be in someones life but you think you don't deserve to be..why don't you get up and do something about it? Instead of self-pitying yourself and trying to solve a problem using the internet. You say you don't deserve to be my friend on facebook but yet you don't do anything to prove that you deserve to be my friend in real life.In all honesty, I'm not down with people like that.We can't be friends. It's time to leave you, all the immaturity, the games, and the BS behind. I'm tired of playing this game. And it's only a game because we make it a game.

I realized today that I don't "win" by showing you or trying to make you realize how much you've lost. I don't "win" by showing you how jealous I can make you. I don't "win" when you finally realized how much you fucked up and decide to call me. I don't "win" when you finally admit that you were wrong.
You don't "win" when you know that I still have feelings for you. You don't "win" when you put up a front and have me believe it. You don't "win" when you make me jealous. You don't "win" when you think that in the end, after everything, you can still come back to me.

The fact is when this game is played there are only two losers who thought they've gained a victory over the other. I realized today that the only way I "win" is by doing whats best for me. If I need to admit to myself that I still have these feelings for you- so what. Lying to myself isn't going to make getting over you any easier. I just need to concentrate on me. I don't want to go somewhere and want to leave just because you're there, and it shouldn't be like that. I want to treat you like every other person in the room and just be neutral towards you. No hate, no love, just indifference.

So when I called you today and said I forgave you for everything you did to me, I really meant it. I just want to leave everything that happened between us behind and start over. You're right when you said that you didn't deserve to be in my life anymore but I don't want to go through life and hold on to that grudge I had against you. So it's time to just let things go and just let things be the way they should. I live my life and you live yours. No more playing this stupid game. So, I'm going to follow through with my new years resolution as best as I can. Time to surround myself with people whom are worth it. People who are on the same vibe as me.
With all this being said..I guess I'll just see you around...