Foolish

Just when you think you've finally broken the circle - here you are in the cycle again. It's feels like you've taken one step only to realize that you've taken 5 steps back. Just when you think you've got it all figured out- you're confused...again. Your heart and mind are polar opposites and you don't know which one to listen to or which one is right. All this time you thought that all of this was simply just black and white. But the thing is, it's really not. It's grey. It's messy. It's complicated. Nothing is ever guaranteed, nothing for sure - for certain. You just have to live it day by day and see how it goes from there. You have some really great days where you feel like you are just so close to reaching that point of being free from all this emotional baggage. But then some days you just hit rock bottom. One little thing reminds of you the past, of you and him, of how much in love you were, of how things used to be and you just crumble - you break down. You cry on the bus to work not even caring who's watching you because you are just so hurt. You try to go to work with a brave face and convince yourself that you have to be professional. You are reminded of your tattoo that reads out STRENGTH and you keep telling yourself you got to be strong no matter what. That you can get through your 8 hour shift without shedding a single tear. But then there you are a half an hour later after getting into work crying on the staff bathroom floor.
Then all these emotions just hit you at once. Emotions that you haven't been paying attention to for the past two months because you were just plain busy or didn't want to bother. You're scared even though you never wanted to admit it to yourself because you don't get scared. You take risk, you challenge everything, you get things accomplished. Although in light of everything you are actually scared shitless. Everything is changing so fast you barely have time to stop,think - reflect. Time just flies by and that scares you even more. But the scariest part of this whole thing is the way you are thinking. You think about everything that's going wrong instead of everything that's going right. You are ungreatful instead of appreciating all you've got. You wish for all these things that are nearly impossible. And then all of a sudden you're thinking you are just worthless. And then a new wave of tears streak your face as you realize that here you are back to square one. You still care.
The three words echo in your head and you laugh a little. This cynical and bitter laugh that doesn't sound like you at all. You are still angry. You still hold a grudge. You still can't just let it go. But then your logic kicks in and you question if you just missed the idea of it all. So now on top of everything you're confused. You look back a couple months and did not expect to be here ...again. But here you are still feeling this way. So you do all that's left to do at this moment in time. You get up, wipe your tears, inhale, exhale, open the door, and start from there.