For the past year you could say I've been "married to the hu$tle." After experiencing heartbreak and a bad case of LG-itis trying to sort through all the emotional bullshit that comes with having your heart smashed to pieces I just immersed myself in re-constructing- well, me. I used to be the "relationship type girl." I mean I didn't plan on dating one person after another- it just sorta happened that way. It wasn't like I was some cold-hearted bitch that was all about "out with the old and in with the new". In fact it was the complete opposite. Relationship after relationship- it was like both parties involved just ended up hurting in the end. Then after the last relationship I was in, it felt like I just hit rock bottom. I became cynical. Yeah I became that type of girl who lost her faith in relationships and love all together. The walls around my heart were now sky high with a Birds Eye View. But through out that year of trying to piece myself back together I got a lot accomplished. I worked harder, I trained harder in dance, I became a lot closer with my girls just to distract myself from the pain and the hurt.But through out all that I started to discover me. The ME without Him. I enjoyed my last year of high school to the fullest without any attatchments or committement to anyone. And it felt pretty damn good.
High school ended with a bang and I was excited for summer. Still hu$tlin and doing that 9-5 makin' that guap AND doing some MAD dance training with time still left to live it up. I got to "party monday through sunday everyday of the week" in the city of sin- Las Vegas. Now with half a month left of summer I feel changed. With this hella crazy busy schedule of mine I never took the time to just think and reflect. I was so caught up in trying to be an "independent queen" gettin' her own- I didn't even notice the big changes. I didn't even realize how much of a front I was putting up after being hurt.
I remember one of my girlfriends called me a robot because she honestly believed that I didn't have a heart. That comment kinda pushed me to realize how much of a front I was putting on. Unfortunately, I admit to breaking a few hearts here and there, playing games, mind-fucking whoever and whenever all to try and play off that I was "hard" and prove that I could play the game, and could play it well. I stopped myself from taking any risk and god forbid actually like someone because that would just make me into the girl I was before. The girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and took chances even if it meant getting hurt in the end because I used to think that the cheesey love letters, the hand holding, the silly inside jokes, and the love would be worth all the potential pain in the end.
I may not be that girl anymore but I'm not "hard" either no matter how much I claim to be. I mean yeah I'm independent, confident, and comfortable enough with myself to just say things straight up. Real Talk. But every girl out there no matter how "hard" they claim to be all want the same thing. To love someone and be loved in returned with the same amount of intensity on either side. We all want to fall crazy in love as if it was the first time all over again where everything was new and you felt like you were on a permanent high.
Where you had that stupid goofy smile plastered on your face 24/7
when no matter how bad the day was you had something to look forward to in the end
when you said that those cheesey one liners were stupid but secretely loved them and giggled to yourself when you were alone
when you felt like the whole world turned against you but it was okay because you had someone there beside you to take on the world with you.
when a simple "you look beautiful" could make your heart beat so fast and feel like it was about to explode.
When a simple I love you could make you feel so complete.
So fellas, when the ladies tell you "I'm too busy with work" or "I just don't have the time right now" she is probably telling you the truth. She could be wrapped up in her career, trying to make a name for herself. But if she was hella into you- then she would make time. Cold hard truth is, if she's not making the time for you...she's just not that into you.
What I'm trying to say is, I'm giving love a second chance. But I'm in no rush. I still wanna have fun because it's still summer and I don't do committement in the summer time-JOKING. ;)
I guess you can say I'm renewing my faith in this messy, complicated, want to make you pull your hair out thing called love. It's just the right person has to come along and turn this hard rock into a gem :)
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