It's so hard to put everything I'm feeling into words right now. I don't know why but ever since school started my life has been a blur. Everything has been non-stop. I leave my house early in the morning & come home late. I barely have time to think. Then when I finally do get time to myself and really think about things all these emotions bum rush me at once and suddenly I'm breaking down without even realizing it. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm too busy to even just FEEL. Too busy to sort through my thoughts & emotions.
For the first time in my life, I don't know what I want. This scares the hell out of me. I feel like I've lost my sense of direction. Even though my life is on track I feel lost. I have everything going for me. I'm getting a higher level of education which I'm lucky to be receiving, I have a job that I love, and dance has been amazing lately. But why do I feel so empty? I feel lonely and I don't even know why. And the fact that I'm changing so much is making me nervous. The knowledge of knowing who I really am is blurring. It's like a part of me is disappearing and I have to re-discover a whole new part of me. I'm scared that I won't be able to hand it. I'm tired of being the "strong one." For once I wish I could just crumble and fall and someone would be there to catch me and put the pieces back together. But it doesn't work that way. In the end, all you have is yourself.
that is the most morbid last line i have read.
ReplyDeletebrian do you know the definition of morbid? i think the word you were thinking of was cynical.
ReplyDeletejoy there is more to life then that. people like to fill their lives with their achievements and their status. but the food of the soul is love and compassion. in the end if you were lying on your death bed would you rather be surrounded by your trophies and certificates, or your friends loved ones and the people you've loved. don't worry about the surface level stuff. you're doin a great job just being you.
thanks ryan i really needed that
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