The Calm

You know that feeling when everything is finally slowing down. That feeling when you just get home from a party, still slightly drunk. The people, the noise, the music- it's replaced with the eerie quietness. You're by yourself and you wish you didn't leave the party so early. You still want to drink so you can forget the feeling that even when you're surrounded by people you feel so alone. You want to drink more and forget about how when you talk to people that you feel like they aren't really there. Any of the conversations you have barely scratch the surfaces of what you really want to discuss. You're quickly losing you're buzz and all of a sudden that carefree, crazed, drunken happiness is fading. Reality is setting in and you don't like it. Thoughts of what you'll have to face tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that start to creep into your mind. You want - you need to be distracted by all the stresses of real life otherwise you think you'll go crazy. You wish you could replace alcohol with a person who can distract you just as well (without killing your brain cells). You wish someone would just GET you & talk to you about things with substance, things that matter- things that won't waste you're breath.
The buzz is completely gone and you're lying in bed feeling really empty. You cry and cry and cry so there won't be any tears left for the next day because god forbid someone break down these walls and actually get through to you - even if deep down that's what you really want. You're scared. And all of a sudden you feel like a 12 year old trapped in an 18 year old's body. You feel like you've changed so much that you don't even recognize or know yourself anymore. You don't always want to be brave but you have to. You start to fall asleep slowly hoping that you'll cope with reality a little better than you did today.