Complete Honesty

“Seems like the more you grow the more time you spend alone. Before you know it you end up perfectly on your own.”

Why is that as things get tougher, you are slowly left alone. Growing up means more freedom but more responsibility. It's ironic how you got help for the simplest things when you were young; tying your shoes, putting on your shirt, grabbing the cookie jar at the top of the shelf. But when you're finally at that stage in your life when you're discovering who you are, facing hardships, dealing with reality – you're on your own.
No one is there to help you, to give you a helping hand – to tell you that everything will be okay in the end. You feel so alone. You used to be sure that you could handle this thing called growing up. But then all of a sudden you're in your room, alone, so scared that you will just fail at everything. You've set up these goals, you have these big dreams. You knew it wasn't going to be easy but you also didn't know that it was going to be this hard.
Those goals you once had, those dreams you once revelled in seem so far away and unachievable. You start doubting yourself and all your choices. “Did I choose the right road? Is this what I really want? Did I think hard enough of what I really want to do with my life?” You used to feel so tall and ready to conquer. But now you feel so miniscule and unimportant. You are one of billions of people striving- competing for the same thing in life. As much as you tell yourself you can do this. That this is just a rut you are going through and that you are stronger than this. But those words in your mind just seem to appear then disappear in this stream of doubt flowing in your head.
And then out of nowhere you are missing him. The one person in your life that you could believe when they told you “You can do this. I know you can. Believe in yourself.” You wish you can hear his voice now. You wish that you can call him and hear all the things you need to hear.

You are strong, I know you are.
Don't give up – I know you aren't a quitter.
Look how much you've accomplished on your own now – it would be a waste to just stop and throw everything you've worked for away.
I believe in you.
I have faith in you.
I love you.

But he's clearly moved on from the past unlike you. He's not holding on anymore – but you are. He still obviously has your heart, your soul, your whole being. You're suffocating in this one sided bullshit and you feel more alone now than ever. He's with someone new, someone that he loves, but someone that will never love him the way you did. But that doesn't even matter, because if it did things would be different. You'd still be together conquering the world like you promised each other you would. And that's why you think it's so hard to move on to other things – other people. You shared so much more than just love, passion, and happiness with him. You shared dreams, goals, accomplishments, failures, sacrifices, pain, hurt, LIFE. It's so hard to move on because he's there – part of everything you want to achieve. His essence is still in you, still driving you to do the things you once said you would do when you were still with him. They weren't just your dreams – they were dreams you had together ,with him. One and the same. And you're still trying to find out who you are without him. Still trying to take it one day at a time without breaking down- feeling weak. You complain how everything that happened was just so unfair but you know deep down inside that nothing in life is fair. Even though you know, you push that fact of reality aside and just take comfort in feeling sorry for yourself. It's 11:45, you're shivering but not from the cold. A few more minutes of this pathetic grovelling before you go and face reality again hoping that you will be stronger than you were today.