I've never been so confused...I don't even know what to do. And I hate not knowing what do to. All I know is that I'm confused and this is some fucked up shit. I said some things I shouldn't have said last night. And you said things that you definitely shouldn't have said last night. Yes, we were both faded but all I can say to that is
"Drunk words are sober thoughts."
Man, I knew I shouldn't have went. I know it's selfish but if I didn't come...I think it would have been better for the both of us. I didn't want to find out this way. I didn't want to hear all the things you had to say this way. I didn't want us to have to drink copious amounts of alcohol to finally have to say what was really going on in our minds. Whatever happened to being straight up? Being honest? WE fucked up. Yeah it wasn't just me and it wasn't just you...it was the both of us. I don't want to do this with you. All the lying...all the things we have to keep from each other because we might hurt each other. I don't care if it hurts, don't protect me because in the end it's just going to fuck me up even more-fuck US up even more. TRUTH HURTS. But I'd rather hear the truth than all these lies.
I don't understand how you can say all these things to me that confuse the hell out of me. That scare the hell out of me because honestly I'm scared to get my heartbroken again. I don't want to get my hopes up..again.
You were talking about marrying me for goodness sake, and then the next minute you were telling me you fell in love with her! How does any of that make sense to you? I knew it too...I tried to figure out so hard WHY. Why you kept talking to her after she sunk so low and screwed you over SO badly and more than once! It hit me hard but I knew that you'd fallen for her. Why couldn't you just tell me? You know how much I still care for you and you know how much I hate seeing you hurt. Why couldn't you just tell me so I could be there for you? And when you said that if you told me what happened that I would go and fight her? How long have you known me? You know I would NEVER start shit like that. She hurt you bad, but I'm not going to take the low road and try to intentionally physically hurt her.
"An eye for an eye leaves the world blind"
And all this "maybe" "if" "in a couple of years" "someday" "if we both change" "you need to experience more" bullshit. I don't understand. You know it's not fair that you have the security of there being an "US" again. That if you can't find what you need or what you want from someone else, you'll always have the security of me being here. You tell me that you wanted something new-something fresh. You want to know if you can fill that void with someone else other than me. We're at different places in our lives but not in the way that you think. I'm 17 , I'm young- I get it. But I'm smart enough to know that "my void" can only be completely filled by one person that's right in front of me. I'm not swearing off everyone else. I'm not saying it's either you or no one. I may find someone that can fill that void the way you did, but I'm really skeptical. When you find that person...when you experience what it's like to be with that person. When you are willing to sacrifice everything you have for them, accept all the changes, love all their faults. You just know it's never going to be the same with anyone else once you find this person. It's like we're both trying to find what we had together with other people...and it's just not there.
We made mistakes- we were both immature and I'm not even looking for a relationship right now. I just need to know the things that will clear my mind and answer all these questions.
I regret telling you all those things last night...but I meant every word I said.
I also didn't like the fact the she was trying to make it a competition. I sincerely apologize for everything that happened. I wish your party wasn't so full of this bullshit. But please know, I tried. I tried for the sake of your happiness to be civil and respectful to her. But what hurt me so bad was when I greeted her and she didn't even acknowledge me. When I was trying to make your party a good one, she was giving me dirty stares all night long and talking to her friend about me right in front of my face is just plain disrespectful. I heard what she said about me loud and clear. And I know for a fact that she wanted me to hear it. The fact that she was trying to be all over you in front of me to make me jealous...I don't want to do that with her. She's not in high school anymore and I'm over that kind of mentality. I honestly don't even know why you invited her. It's like all of this could have been avoided if I didn't show. Now I feel bad for her because you're whole family dislikes her and she felt unwelcome. Maybe if I wasn't there she wouldn't have reacted that way...and maybe you would have had a happier, less fucked up birthday party. I know it's not my fault. And she chose to act that way in front of your family. But I can't help but think that this all could have been avoided if I just wasn't there.
But after everything, I'm a little glad that I came. It's nice to see you smiling and having fun. That was the one thing that I was so sad about last year. I wasn't sad because I didn't get to go to a party last year and have fun/get drunk or whatever. I was sad because I didn't get to see that smile on your face thats rarely been there with all the bullshit going on. It's pretty funny seeing you drunk. So, now after everything. I know that we need to talk. So here I am, spilling my soul on here hoping that maybe you would read this and understand how I feel. I'm still angry about what happened at your party...but theres nothing I can do about it now. I just need to accept whatever happens- even if I don't like it.
P.S. Sorry for passing out on your bed. I seriously didn't know until Alexis told me that Virn had to carry me to the other room. I sincerely apologize. I wasn't trying anything. I was seriously just so exhausted and passed out.
No comments:
Post a Comment